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Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle. Clyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat] Stan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now! Kyle: Okay, hang on a second I- Stan: [pulls Kyle away] Right now, goddamnit! Kyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you? Stan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid] Kenny: (WHAT??!!!?) Kyle: Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?! Stan: Yeah! He just got paroled! Kyle: Oh, no! No! Cartman: Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on? Kyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. Cartman: Really? That's cool. When did- [realizes what Kyle has just said and stops completely in place] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?! Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God... Stan: What the hell are we gonna do?? Butters: [runs up to the boys] Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?! Cartman: It's true. Butters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling] Cartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men. Kyle: Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool. Scene Description: Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such. Stan: Dude, let's play Fireman. Kyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman. Cartman: Jews can't be firemen. Kyle: Shut up, fat ass! Cartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew! Kenny: (How about we put a real fire out?) Stan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes! Cartman: But how do we start a fire? Kyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a shot of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows] Trent: Say Uncle! Boy: Uncle! Trent: [two more blows] Say Uncle!!!!!! Boy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him] Trent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?! Kyle: Do you know how to start a fire? Trent: Sure! I burn lots stuff. Stan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out. Kyle: We're firemen! Trent: Do you dickheads even know how to put out a fire? Stan: Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time. Cartman: Don't worry, Trent. Trent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on fire] Butters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful. Cartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing! Butters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches fire] Stan: Wow, cool! Kyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen! Stan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the fire! [the other boys come and imitate the fire truck noises while pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.] Stan: We're heroes! Kyle: [smiles] We saved the school! Trent: [sees that the fire is spreading] Put it out! Ms. Claridge: [a female, notices the fire and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?! Trent: They said they could put it out! Ms. Claridge: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the fire out with a blanket. The blanket catches fire, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'M BUUURNIIIING!!! Stan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance. Paramedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring] Stan: Dude, we are in so much trouble! Kyle: My mom is gonna break my legs! Cartman: Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did. Stan: That's true. Officer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea. Stan: No! Kyle: Not us. We're good kids. Trent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out. Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time! Trent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened! Butters: U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me. Trent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us! Cartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it! Scene Description: The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again. Stan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released. Cartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents! Kyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident! Stan: Shhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge] The boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them] Stan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away] Cartman: You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart! Kyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget." He approaches the check-out desk. Warden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switch-blade knife with "Kill all betrayers" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops] Trent: I gots some business to take care of. [leaves] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door. Butters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.] Stephen: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase] Butters: Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad. Stephen: Butters, what is wrong with you?? Butters: Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all. Linda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play. Butters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again] Linda: Why not? Butters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again] Stephen: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now! Butters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room- Scene Description: Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously. Stephen: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him] Butters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book] Linda: What on earth is the matter with him? Stephen: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life. Butters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me! Linda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs] Butters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while. Trent: [beat] Five years. It's been five long, miserable years. Butters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it! Trent: Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?! Butters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'. Trent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start. Butters: No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through. Trent: Four seconds! Butters: Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color- Trent: Three seconds! Butters: Ohhh hamburgers! [runs away] Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside. Linda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard] Stephen: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride. Linda: What's that? Dr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure. Linda: If only we had let him in! [faces Stephen] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob] Stephen: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room] Cartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters! Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years! Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister! Stan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection. Cartman: [now yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters] Stan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off] Scene Description: A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed. Sixth grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small fire, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweet! Sixth grade leader: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach] Kyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here! Stan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders. Sixth grade leader: Stupid little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?! Stan: We've come to... ask you for help. Sixth grade leader: Help?! [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily] Kyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully. Sixth grade leader: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward] Cartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the Sixth Grade Leader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside] Sixth grade leader: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies! Kyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want? Sixth grade leader: You're Stan Marsh, right? Stan: Yeah. Sixth graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! [Stan develops a worried face] Sixth grade leader: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest] Sixth graders: Yeah. Awesome. Stan: What?! Sixth grader 2: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever. Sixth grader 3: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits. Stan: Dude, weak! Sixth grade leader: Come back with a naked picture of your mom! Stan: [after some thought] No! Sixth grade leader: Then we aren't helpin' you! Kyle: Wait! We'll do it. Sixth grade leader: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies! Cartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool. Scene Description: Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron. Scene Description: South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other. Woman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side] Woman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes] Man 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk] Man 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck] Scene Description: A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his knife in hand. Trent: Can Kyle come out and play? Sheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon. Trent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away] Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman. Stan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class. Cartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts. Stan: But mom, my teacher will- Cartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: [normal] But Mo-o-o- Cartman: [with more feeling] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: This is hopeless! Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes? Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs! Kenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it!) Stan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of. Kyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space] Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness. Cartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my ass cheeks. Kyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.] Cartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now. Stan: How do you know?! Cartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff! Stan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checking the book to be sure. He then steps back] Kyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace. Kenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.] Kyle: [lowers the camera] God, I hope this works. Scene Description: The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach. Stan: Excuse me! Sixth grade leader: What do you want now?! Stan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys] Sixth grader 4: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs? Sixth grader 5: No way! Sixth grader 2: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen! Sixth grader 8: Whoa! Sixth grader 4: Check them out! Sixth grade leader: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack! Sixth graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Sixth grader 3: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett? Sixth grade leader: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us! Cartman: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world! Kenny: (All right!) Sixth grader 9: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes. Sixth grader 2: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you. Sixth grade leader: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow] Stan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday? Kyle: [after some thought] Naw. Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street. Kyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up! Cartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass. Stan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge? Man 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner] Cartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Huh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full. Dr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly! Nurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here! Dr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie? Nurse 2: Worst one yet. Sixth grader: It's all slimy and spitty! [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain] Dr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies] Stan: Dude, what happened? Sixth grade leader: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us. Kyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans] Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl. Stan: What's that? Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys are flabbergasted] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, outside. Stan: We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him. Cartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh] Kyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible! Stan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help. Kyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders. Stan: [looks down] There is... one person. Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Shelly is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach. Stan: Shelly? Shelly: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television! Stan: Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other. Shelly: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd! Stan: Shelly [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelly notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan] Shelly: [in Stan's face] Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you? Stan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault. Shelly: Oh, you are such stupid turds. Stan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us! Shelly: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job. Kyle: So you're gonna help us? Shelly: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return. Cartman: A picture of your mom's boobs? Shelly: Shut up, turd! [all four of the boys stand back in fear] You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did! Stan: Admit it was our fault? Shelly: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good] Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her. Man 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply] Woman 3: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply] Man 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply] Man 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.] Stan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you. [no reply] Kyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids. Cartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret. Kenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply] Stan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was "Fireman." Trent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him. Kenny tightens his hood.] Five years I've been waitin' for this day. Cartman: Aaaaaaaah! Stan: Trent, look, we've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up] Cartman: Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair] Trent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives! Kyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection] Trent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBRA STREISAND!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANISTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser gun as the other boys fall in behind him] Cartman: Stay away from us, Trent! Stan: What is that? Cartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man! Trent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with. Cartman: I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters! Trent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses.] Scene Description: The taser tips hit Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her battery up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane tanks just outside the store. Those tanks in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches fire and spins around a few more times. Her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats attack her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a fire hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water shoots up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle. Officer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh? Trent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds] Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [two beeps, so no] Yes, yes. Take him away! Trent: [a blond officer arrests him] No! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad! Cartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: Yeah, woohoo! Cartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and notice Cartman's buttcheeks.] Sixth grader 2: Hey, hold on a second! Cartman: Uh oh. Sixth grader 2: Bewbs! Sixth grader 1: Omigod! Sixth graders: Boobs! Sixth grader 1: [as the others argue over them and carry Cartman away] I'm taking them to the bushes! Sixth grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first! Cartman: Hah! Hey!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Some of the families are gathered there Randy: Okay, is everyone ready to go? Sheila: Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted to see Cirque du Cheville. Sharon: Me too. We were lucky to get tickets. [calls out] Come on, boys! We're gonna be late. [the boys, dressed in their Sunday best, walk in with heads down in resentment] Liane: Oh, don't they look precious? Stan: Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this just a circus, with elephants and lions and stupid clowns Sharon: No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. They get acrobats and singers from all over the world and then do very artistic things.. Kyle: Awwww! Grandpa: [rolls up] Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that fufu French theater crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders! Sharon: Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts! Grandpa: Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrappin' their peckers around each other's faces! Sharon: Come on, everybody, let's go. [the others turn and head out the front door.] Grandpa: [follows] Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man. Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, night. Folks are streaming in to get seats. Next, under the Big Top Sheila: Oh, this is so exciting Sharon: Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley. Stan: Where? [a clown appears next to him, and he looks up] Oh, no. [the clown pulls out an umbrella and a bicycle horn, squeezes the horn and gets showered by the umbrella. The adults laugh, and the clown offers him the umbrella] Ha ha, very funny, thank you, goodbye. [the clown insists Stan take part, and the parents laugh at the sound of the horn] No, thank you. [the clown tries again] Go away, please. Cartman: He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, clown! Beat it! [Liane smacks him on the back of the head] Ow. [the clown tries once more with Stan. Stan rolls his eyes, takes the umbrella, and is showered by it when the clown presses the horn. The crowd roars with laughter as the clown revels in his cleverness] Randy: You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley? [Stan looks up angrily] Cartman: [comments] Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, somebody stop my guts frm bursting out of my sides! [the clown gets mad as Cartman talks, then takes the umbrella from Stan and walks away in a huff] Announcer: [affecting a French accent] Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking and no flash-photography during Sarque du Son Bleu Cartman: [echoes the announcer] Sarque du Son Bleu. [sticks his tongue out. A performer comes out and starts singing] Oho, we've reached fag factor 5, captain. Liane: Eric, sshhhh. [the performer is joined by men rolling by in wheels behind him and others prancing by in front. The parents smile in awe] Kyle: How long does this thing last? Stan: Two hours. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny: Awwwgh. Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, later. A troupe of twelve dancers leap high and drop down again. The parents are still in thrall, and their eyes follow the dancers' leaps. Cartman is now asleep. Some time elapses, and a singer sings her song. The other three boys are getting sleepy. The smiles are gone from the parents' faces. The singer is shown with a two-person high-wire act overhead. Little "birds" pop out from her dress and dance around. A new act appears, and Stan is looking away feeling bored. Kyle and Kenny seem more awake. An invisible man in a visible suit walks on, and a green man with big ears jumps out of the floor in front of him. The green man and the man shake hands, and the green man rips the man's right arm off. A new act comes on, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are really drowsy. The curtains open to reveal five girls, and they come forward to dance Sharon: Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are curious. Each of the quints lays on her stomach and puts her feet over her back and on her head.] Kenny: (Woohoo!) [Stan and Kyle stir, and Kyle nudges Cartman] Cartman: Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers? [the quints pile on to make an X, then roll off and reposition themselves into a circle] Kyle: Whoa. [a few twirls, and the middle one is thrust into the air. The two girls on the outside leap up and land on the other two's heads and catch the middle girl, to form a pentagon. Then they form a large cat, then a yacht,...] Stan: Damn, dude. [...then the Eiffel Tower, and finally, a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The crowd cheers] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Yayy! Kenny: (Oh yeah! Woohoo!) Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, dismissal. The crowd exits the tent Sheila: Oh, that was wonderful! Sharon: Yes. Too bad it was their last show, or I'd go see it again. Kyle: Those contorting Romanian chicks rule. Cartman: Yeah, especially that second one from the left. She was fine! Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! They're identical! Cartman: Not that second one from the left; she had it goin' on! [they pass "LE SOUVENIRS," a booth manned by a clown dressed in yellow.] Clown: [the boys turn to see him] Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks. [the adults gather and clamor for the items on display. As they do, the boys talk] Stan: Damn, dude, do you see how much money this place is raking in? Cartman: Yeah. I could prance around in little tights and sing opera too, for that kind of cash. Kyle: Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville. Kenny: (Yeah.) Stan: Yeah. This one's moving out of town, so we could take over. [the boys turn to leave] Kyle: Let's go practice. [they exit] Scene Description: Dressing Room #1. "Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets" is written over a star. Grandmama: Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against the cold. A Quint: Did we do good final show, Grandmama? Grandmama: Very good, my girls. I only wish it weren't your last show. I love this country so very much. [a knock on the dressing room door, and two stern men walk in] Romanian official: Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time to return to Romania. Grandmama: Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready. [the men leave, and she looks to the dressing room window. She walks over, opens the window, turns, and] This way, girls. Quickly. [the girls head for the window. Grandmama lifts them out one by one.] Quint #2: Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama? Grandmama: Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania. This is our only chance. [drops the girl off outside] Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka. Attendant: Nid kelmin da lushka velt Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt! [the men laugh, the attendant looks at his watch] Attendant: M-Mrs. Vladchick? [the men enter and find the open window and no one at all] Romanian official: Dash fam da bushka! Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, outside the main tent. The two Romanian men rush out Attendant: They're trying to defect! [they rush up to the end of a dock just as Mrs. Vladchick and her granddaughters take off in a dinghy] Romanian official: [pumping a fist] Cauch! We need a boat. [sees two native men in a canoe, about to leave. He and the attendant walk over to them and gives one of the paddlers some money] Native paddler in vest: Where to, Mack? Romanian official: [gets on the canoe] Follow that boat. [the attendant gets on, and the four men paddle away] Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The boys have bought a CD of the show, and Kenny sings to the instrumental of one of the songs. Kenny is wearing the costume the first singer wore. The other three are practicing... um... Stan tries to leap into Kyle's arms, but they end up tumbling on the floor. Cartman runs forth and does some cartwheels, but lands on a coffee table, breaking it to pieces. Stan: Dude, this isn't working. Kyle: It's Kenny's singing! Kenny: (Hunh?) Cartman: Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better! Kenny: (I'm singing as good as I can!) Stan: Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You have to get better! Try it again! [Grandpa rolls by and notices the boys in dance poses] Grandpa: Aha, I knew it. They turned you into poofders. Scene Description: Stark's Pond. Grandmama and the girls zoom away. Romanian official: There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. Pull over! [the canoe has caught up to the dinghy. Mrs. Vladchick looks back, then looks forward. They are closing in on a dock full of explosives, and she looks on in horror] Grandmama: Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta. [the girls pile on Grandmama and form a tower, each female grabbing the head of the one below her. The top girl grabs a branch with a free hand, and all swing up in the air as one. The dinghy goes on with the canoe in pursuit] Romanian official: [In a high pitched voice] Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! Yaaah! [the canoe runs into the dock and they both blow up. Pieces of the four men fall from the air.] Top girl: Did we do good, Grandmama? Grandmama: Very good, Glacas. Scene Description: The 'camera' pulls back to reveal the entire high speed chase took place on Stark's Pond which is about 7 canoe lengths long. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Snow falls outside. The other boys have gone home Stan: I'm tired, Grandpa. Grandpa: No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and watch more MacGyver. We've gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out of ya. [the doorbell rings] Who the hell would be ringin' the doorbell at this time of night? Stan: I don't know. [walks over and opens the door] Whoa. [before him are the contorting Romanian quintuplets and their Grandmama, all shivering. Randy and Sharon show up in their pajamas] Grandmama: We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired. Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep? Randy: You're from Cirque du Cheville. [Grandpa shows up] Grandmama: Yes. We- missed our train. If we could shelter here; it would only be for one night. Randy: Well... Sharon: Well, of course you can. Come in out of the snow. [the girls grin and enter] Grandmama: Oh, thank you so much. [walks in] Sharon: There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs...? Grandmama: Vladchick. [Sharon escorts her and the girls upstairs] Grandpa: That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass. Randy: Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley! Grandpa: Well, it's good for 'im. Scene Description: The McCormick house. Kenny is in his room with three books on his bed. Kenny: [reads "Learning to Sing Better"] (Let's see...No, not there) [tosses the book away and picks up "The Essence of Voicing"] (Let's see. Nothing there) [tosses it away and picks up "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies"] (Let's see...here!) [pulls out a tape and pops it into his tape player] Narrator: Hello, and welcome to: "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies." Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha! Kenny: (Yaaayaya.) Narrator: Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya! Kenny: (Hehyayaya hehyayaya!) Narrator: Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, "Con te partirò" [music begins to play] Kenny: [leafs through the book] (Con te partirò?) [leafs some more and find it. A rat crawls onto the bed as Kenny looks at the tape player, looks around and leaves. Kenny immediately improves and begins singing like a Prima Divo, yet still characteristically Kenny-muffled...](...Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.con te io li rivivere. Con te...)[...and it becomes background music as the camera pans over to...] Scene Description: 'Camera' pans from the McCormick house across the railroad tracks to the Marsh house. Kenny's voice is so powerful it can be heard clearly in the Marsh upper bedroom. Grandmama Vladchick is in her nightgown combing her hair. Grandpa Marsh rolls by Kenny: (...partirò.) Grandpa: [startles Grandmama] Got everything you need there, do ya? Kenny: (Su navi per mari) Grandmama: Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my little granddaughters. Kenny: (che, io lo so,) Grandpa: They're quite agile little things, aren't they? Kenny: (no, no, non esistono più) Grandmama: Yes, as I was back in my day. I was a contortionist, too. Kenny: (con te io li rivivere.) Grandpa: Y'don't say. [strokes his chin] Grandmama: Yes. Grandpa: You... Kenny: (Con te...) Grandpa: ...remember any of that stuff, do ya? [she looks flattered and intrigued.] Kenny: (...partirò.Su navi per mariche, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più.)[as Kenny sings, Grandpa returns to Mrs. Vladchick's room naked... and without the wheelchair. She lifts up her left leg over her head, then lets it go. Kenny's getting into the song. The tape speeds up a bit...] (Io con te!) Grandpa: Ah. [A leg wraps around his chest] Oh. [a second leg wraps around his head] Ah! [an arm appears, then Mrs. Vladchick's head, then a third leg...] Oh. [Kenny is seen on bended knee on his bed during the last note, as Grandmama Vladchick and Grandpa reach climax.] Oh-oooh-oooh! Scene Description: The McCormick house, Kenny's room. The music stops with a thump and Kenny collapses on his bed exhausted Narrator: And now lesson 4: the complete works of Mozart. Let's begin. Kenny: [looks at the radio] (Damn!) Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen enjoying some coffee Sharon: What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer. Randy: Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still sleeping. Sharon: Poor dear must be tired. Grandpa: [rolls in] You're damn right she's tired. Randy: Huh? Grandpa: Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all. [rolls out]. Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside. Stan leads the other three boys in the side gate and to the backyard Stan: Hurry up, you guys! Cartman: What's going on? Stan: Dude, you're not gonna believe this. Kyle: What?! [they all turn, and the quints stand before them] Quint 1: Hello. Quint 2: Hello. Quint 3: Hi. Quint 4: Hello. Cartman: No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu! Stan: Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania. Kyle: What's a "quin-tuplet"? Quint 2: Ve are twins, except there are five of us instead of two. Kyle: But there's only four of you. Quint 2: No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia. Nadia: [steps out from behind Natalia] Hello. Kyle: So if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike? All five quints in unison: No, don't be ridiculous. Stan: Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville? A Quint: You have your own? Stan: Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better at singing first. Kenny: (Hey!) Cartman: But as soon as he starts singing better, we're all gonna make bank! Quint 1: Okay. Quint 3: Sounds good. Quint 2: Count me in. Quint 5: Okay. [quint 4 says nothing, and the others look at her] Quint 4: ...Oh, and me. The boys: All right! Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen Randy: Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do. I'm gonna go wake her up. [leaves, reaches Grandmama's room, and knocks] Hello? Mrs... Mrs., Old Romanian Woman? [knocks twice more] Ma'am? [opens the door, looks in, and flies are heard buzzing around. Mrs. Vladchick is stiff, mouth open, arms up as if holding someone. Randy shuts the door in horror, then opens it and looks in again to be sure, then shuts it again, horrified] Grandpa: [rolls up] Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha ha. Randy: [serious] No, Dad. Grandpa: A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr hr hr. Randy: No, Dad, she's dead! Grandpa: What?! [Randy opens the door and looks away, Grandpa rolls in to see for himself] Oh, dear Jesus! Randy: It looks like she had a heart attack. Grandpa: No wonder she didn't say good-night. Randy: [stares at him, then leans away] Ew! Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard Stan: Okay, hold it, hold it. [climbs over Cartman and Kyle to form a tower. The quintuplets have executed their X formation. Stan is trying to stand when all three boys tumble to the ground. The quints break their formation and drop down] The boys: Ow! [Randy and Sharon walk out and approach the kids] Sharon: I don't know how to tell. You tell them. [they stop] Randy: Uh, girls, we... have some bad news. Quint 5: What? Randy: Um... [Sharon holds his hand] Everyone who has a grandma, step forward. [Stan and Cartman step forward, then the girls] Uh, not so fast, girls. [Sharon gasps and glares at him. The girls step back, then realize what has just happened. They begin to sob] Sharon: Randy! [amid the sobs, some of the quints have questions] Quint 2: Grandmama is dead? Quint 1: What are we going to do now? [Randy and Sharon stand there helplessly] Cartman: [in a low voice] You guys, come here. [steps forward. The others join him] This is totally awesome. Stan: What?! Kyle: How can you say that? Cartman: Because now we can convince them to stay here, and now our circus will kick ass! Kyle: Oh, yeah! Stan: [rushes up] Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with us? Please? Can they? Randy: Well, Stan, it's not really our- Stan: They have nowhere else to go. [presses hands together] Please? Sharon: Well, for the time being I, I mean, of course they can stay. Stan, Kyle: Hooray! Cartman: Hooray! Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard, some days later. Neighborhood men and women walk up to a fenced-in area of the yard in which the quints play with various toys and balls Reporter: Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania. Their mother passes away some months ago, and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here. But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes. [someone takes a picture] If you'd like to come down and visit the quintuplets, admission is only $5, and for a few dollars more ["FEED THE QUINTS! One Dollar" A man buys some fishsticks], you can feed them fishsticks. A Quint: [hops up and down, then opens her mouth for a fishstick the man drops down to her] Mmm. Reporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania. Scene Description: Romania, daytime with grey sky. Pan across grey, dismal, identical blocky buildings. Government officials watch the report in a run-down office Reporter: Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world. [a last shot of the quints is seen] Back to you, Tom. President: This is not good. It makes our country look poor and stupid. Romanian official: This could kill our tourism. President: You know what to do. [they salute him and leave.] Scene Description: South Park School of Music Instructor: [at the piano] Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises. [plays the sequence C E G C G E C] Kenny: [sings along] (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) [his mom looks on. The instructor and Kenny move on to the D and E scales.] Mrs. McCormick: Well, what do you think? Can you help him become a better singer? Instructor: Well, he's got potential. Depends on how good he wants to be. Kenny: (I wanna be really good) Instructor: Well, if you wanna be a real singer, you need to go to a conservatory in Europe. There's no other alternative. Kenny: (Europe?) Mrs. McCormick: We can't afford that. Instructor: Well, then, I'm afraid your son will always be a hack. Kenny: (Awww.) Mrs. McCormick: Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... you can sing on the way to make money. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: The Marsh house, breaking news music is heard. Sharon rushes into the kitchen Sharon: Randy, Randy, you'd better have look at this. [exits to the living room] Randy: [follows her out] What? [The boys and the quints watch the news. Sharon and Randy join them] Anchor Tom: ...until the U.S. government receives this video, which was sent from Romania just hours ago. Man: [reading a statement at gunpoint] Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania. Randy: Uh-oh. Stan: That's your dad? Quint 2: Maybe. Quint 1: But we haven't seen papa for more than five years. Man: How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal. Voice: [hits the man on the head with the gun, k'chunk] Nadia! Man: Nadia, my sweet Barshta Voice: [k'chunk] Baltania! Man: Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching for their return. I, I know the American government will do what's right. [the TV is turned off] Kyle: Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque dei Ceville going. Stan: [gets up and runs to his parents] Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you?? Sharon: Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we? [looks at Randy] Randy: I don't know. Kyle: [the girls look at him] You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you? It sucks there. Cartman: Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down. Sharon: We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do. [she and Randy walk away] Cartman: Damn, we might be screwed. Stan: No! We've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass out of every other country. Come on! [walks off] Scene Description: South Park Train Station. Kenny and his mom await the train. Kenny launches into "La donna è mobile." Carol holds a "Trying To Get To Europe" sign. The other boys take the quints to South Park Funland Cartman: [in a log ride with the other seven, passes a lumberjack scene] You see, in America we have... log rides! [Kenny and his mom are at a bus terminal in Denver. A couple passes by and drops some money into the hat. Next, Cartman and friends are at Burger Cook, a fast-food restaurant] Bacon double-cheeseburgers! [Kenny and his mom are now at Coyote Bus Lines (play on Greyhound Bus Lines) in St. Louis at night. A man peeks through a door, another man drops some money into the hat. Next day] Sheep-shearing contests! Scene Description: 22nd Annual Sheep Shearing Contest Scene Description: A man shears a sheep with a shearer as the eight kids and four adults watch A fan: Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah. [the girls look on expressionless then #2 and #3 look at each other skeptically. Kenny and his mom are now at JFK International Airport in New York. Kenny gets some more money] Cartman: [showing the others around a three-story shopping mall] And shopping malls! Hooray! [the girls are grinning. Kenny finally lands in Europe and goes out through gate 96] Scene Description: Welcome To Europe! Coziest LittlePlace On Earth! Elevation 4200 ft. Kenny: (Woo hoo!) Scene Description: the U.S. Capitol. The Romanian father and two Romanian officials sit in Janet Reno's office Romanian official: [no beard] Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, the father has right to his children. Janet Reno: [flanked by two agents in riot gear] Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here. Why don't you all stay here in America, and this whole thing can go away. Mr. Vladchick: Okay. [the official smacks him with the back of the hand] Heh! Romanian official: Our home is Romania. We love it there. Mr. Vladchick: Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there. Romanian official: If daughters will not return on their own, you must force them to return Janet Reno: Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately. You don't understand Americans' power to protest. Romanian official: Protest? Janet Reno: Look, people have it so good in America that they get bored very easily. And when people get bored they start protesting things. All three men: Oh. Janet Reno: But I want to assure you, and the Romanian people, that we are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible. [the Romanians already look confused] Scene Description: South Park, the Marsh house, day. A crowd of protesters lobby in front of the house with signs like "No Go!", "We (heart) The Quints" and "Romania (with red cross-out circle stamp)". Protesters: Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Stephen Stotch: Fur is murder! Fur is murder! [notices the stares] Oh, what are we protesting here? A Protester: [with a "No Romania" sign] Romania sucks! Stephen Stotch: Oh, let's see [His professional protest sign has multiple pages and he flips through from "FUR IS MURDER" to "FREE KEVORKIAN," "SLEEPING BAGS KILL," then "ROMANIA SUCKS"] Here we go. Romania sucks! Protesters: Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Sharon: [looks out through the window. "Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Romania sucks!"] Oh my God! I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal. Randy: ["Romania sucks!"] That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters out of the cold. Lead agent Collins: [backed by 11 other agents and a humvee] Attention, people inside the house! [Randy and Sharon look] You must return the quintuplets to their father! You have until... [lowers the bullhorn. An agent comes up and whispers] Oh yeah, that's good. [back on the bullhorn] You have until Easter Sunday to comply. Protester: Nooo! Protesters: Boooo! Collins: What?! [the protesters gang up on the agents, beating them with their signs] Scene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room. Stan and friends are oblivious to the action outside Stan: Okay, let's try it again. Hup! A quint: Hup! [she leaps into position to complete the arch. Kyle and Cartman dive through and get up] Kyle: Alright! Randy: [enters] Stan, we- [the sight of the undressed boys stops him] Sharon: Stanley, we have some bad news. The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania. Stan: No, they can't! We've convinced them that they want to stay in America. Kyle: Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks and malls. How can you expect them to go back now?? Randy: I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... don't have a choice. Sorry, girls. [he and Sharon walk away] Stan: Now what do we do? Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, day. Several days have passed, and now the protest crowd is larger, and news cameras are present Reporter: Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as the U.S. government promised, they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania. Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets. [just then, a helicopter flies in and hovers over the house. Janet Reno, dressed in a bunny suit, waits in the open door to be lowered] Soldier: Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the plan. Janet Reno: Right. Soldier: We'll drop you on the northwest corner of the backyard. You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets. When you see them, you say... Janet Reno: "Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny." Soldier: Good. And then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready? Janet Reno: Ready. Soldier: Code blue! Janet Reno: Code blue! [drops down onto the yard] Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny is heard singing. He is onstage as his song ends, and his mom joins him with three other people Music instructor: Lad, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School. Kenny: (Woohoo!) Carol: How much is all this gonna cost? Music instructor: Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because we are so God-damned poor. Assistant: Yes, your two hundred American dollars will last months here. Carol: Wow, what a great country. Everybody's poor, like us. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Protesters and police mill around the front yard Janet Reno: [enters the kitchen through the back door] Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny. [sees nothing but furniture before her. She pulls out a an assault rifle with scope and silencer then moves forth] Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I brought for ya. [Stan, his parents, and the quints watch TV in the living room, and Janet Reno peeks at them. Terrance and Phillip are heard on the TV. Janet Reno pulls back and flattens herself against the kitchen wall] Phillip: Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart. [Reno pulls out an Easter egg and throws it at the girls. It ends up right in front of them] Terrance: Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb. Quint 2: Oh, look. An Easter egg. Randy: Oh, shi- [the Easter egg unleashes its tear gas, and all cough and choke] Lead soldier: That's it. Let's move, move move move, move! [breaks through the front door and leads the other police officers in.] Give us the kids, now! Now! Officer 1: Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned floor! [more officers stream in as Sharon drops down to the floor and assumes the fetal position] Officer 2: Find them! Janet Reno: [bursts through the master bedroom door] This is a bust! Hand over the quints! [police officers are already there looking for them under the bed and in dresser drawers. Reno joins them and heads for the closet. She opens a sliding door and finds Randy holding Stan in his arms and points her weapon at them thus comically recreating the famous image of the US Border Patrol agent pointing his MP5 submachine gun at six year old Elian Gonzalez held by his rescuer Donato Dalrymple] Hand over the children! Happy Easter. Hand over the children!! Grandpa: [rolls in] What the hell's goin' on?! [all guns point to him] Officer 3: Freeze, asshole! Grandpa: Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya! Officer 3: Don't push me, man! Grandpa: Pull the trigger, you little pussy! Officer 3: Gaahhh! [aims away from Grandpa and lets loose with gunfire] Officer 4: Gun! Gun! [fires into the room. Reno drops down to avoid getting hit. Bullets riddle the wall] Janet Reno: Down! Down! [outside, the protesters back away from the house] Protester: Riot! Riot! [protesters now move forward against a wall of police] Officer 5: Pepper spray! Pepper spray! [the police harden their line, pull out their cans and spray the protesters, who drop down immediately coughing. The house blows up. When the smoke clears, Reno and two officers are seen carrying the quints away. They reach a black van and toss the girls inside.] Officer 6: Go ahead! In the van! [Reno goes in, followed by the other officers. One of them barks an order to the driver, and the van leaves the scene.] Stan: [standing in front of the still burning ruins of his house] Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus! Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny performs "Der Hölle Rache" in front of a full house. He finishes the aria and the audience erupts in applause. Roses rain down upon him as he takes his bow. Music instructor: Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. The people of Romania love him. Carol: Good job, Kenny. Music instructor: Mrs. McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us. Will you consider it? Carol: [She kneels down and places her hand on Kenny's head] Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd have to leave your friends and your family behind. Kenny: (Sure!) Music instructor: Alright! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The protesters leave one by one. The Marshes stand in the bombed-out ruins Sharon: Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone! Cartman: [arrives with Kyle] Dude, what the hell happened? Stan: The government came and got the quintuplets. No more Cirque du Cheville for us. Kyle: Damnit! How come every time we get a sweet idea, the government has to screw it up?! Stan: Yeah! Well, not this time! Cartman: Huh? Stan: We've just gotta get that angry mob back on our side! [addresses the mob] Alright, everybody, listen up! Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets to the mayor's office downtown! But they haven't won yet! I say we all go over to the mayor's office, and demand to see the quintuplets right now! Protester 1: Hmm. Protester 2: Yeaahh. Protester 3: I don't know. I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30. Protester 4: Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this? Stan: Uh, sure, you can all get overtime. Protester 5: Alright! [Fist pumps] Protester 6: Yeah! Protester 7: Down with Japan! [the mob moves away] Scene Description: An office. Janet Reno and the two officers meet the Mayor and her aides for a photo-op. The photographer takes his shot. Janet Reno: Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy. [The girls are shown with their grinning father. Two of them sit on his laps, the other three stand in front] Photographer: Come on, girls. Smile. [the girls look downcast] We want you to look happy. Smile. [works a sock puppet on his left hand] Look at the silly frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look at him. I've got- Look at him. It's so silly. "I'm so silly." [the girls still have their eyes cast down] Scene Description: Romania, day. A news report on TV Stuart: Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back in America. I miss my son very much. I would like to see him returned to me so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and- [the butt of a rifle strikes the side of his head] Ow! I mean, bec- because I miss my son very much. [looks to his right] Man. Scene Description: A United States Air Force checkpoint, later. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan approach, and a soldier intervenes Stan: Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets! Soldier: [Holds out hand to stop their progress] You can't see them, boys. They're happily reunited with their father. Stan: [whistles a signal] Come on, angry mob! [the mob appears behind him. All of them move forward and overrun the checkpoint. A lagging protester runs over a fallen soldier] Soldier: Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah. Scene Description: The USAF office. Reno has taken her mask off and stands next to the girls. Behind her are six officers, and next to them are the two Romanian officials and Mr. Vladchick. Romanian official: [the bearded one] Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania. Janet Reno: [hears something] What is that? Officer 7: [at a window] It's the protesters. They're back. Janet Reno: God-damnit! [Puts back on her Easter Bunny 'helmet'] We'll take care of them. Come on! [leaves the office] Officer 8: Let's move. Move! Officer 7: Come on, come on, come on. Officer 9: Come oonn, come oonn. [they follow Reno out, leaving the quints alone in front of a poster that reads "Join the Army... It's KILLER!!!". The officers engage the protesters on a runway] Officer 10: This is government property! Protester: Let the quints stay! [Reno and Sharon head for each other] Sharon: You ruined my house! [lays out Reno using a baseball bat to the Bunny helmet. The quints look out the window, then turn around. Quint 2 hops off the bench and walks to the office phone] Quint 1: What are you doing, Nadia? Nadia: I'm calling the only person in the vorld who can help us. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing. The other girls look at each other.] Scene Description: A USAF airfield, later. Protesters and officers are still brawling. Stan and Kyle each kick an officer on the shin. Cartman: Take that! [kicks an officer on the shin] Quint 3: [heads towards the battlefield and addresses everyone] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [the other four quints are with her. Weapons and signs are lowered] Quint 1: All of you are acting like idiots! Stan: Yeah. Quint 1: None of you care about us. You only care about yourselves! Quint 2: Look at you, Father. You walked out on us five years ago [he removes his hat and holds it tight], and now you act like you miss us sooo much! You are a liar and a fake! Cartman: Yeah, you suck, dude! Quint 3: And you Romanian leaders [both of them are there], you don't care about us! All you care about is making America look stupid! Cartman: Yeah! God, you guys are dicks! Quint 3: And you protesters! Don't you have anything better to do?! Get a life! Cartman: Yeah! Quint 3: And you boys are the worst of all! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Huh? Quint 3: You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better! Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home! We are Romanian! All you care about is your own stupid circus! [at this point, a limousine pulls up behind them. It's from the Oprah show. The driver opens the back door and the girls head for the back seat] Janet Reno: [has a protester in a headlock] Where are you going, girls? Quint 1: The only place we can go. We're going on Oprah and then a book tour. [turns and climbs in, followed by three others] Quint 5: Yes. You can all kiss our little white Romanian asses! [wiggles her ass at the crowd and climbs in. The limo leaves and everyone is left in a state of shock.] Stan: Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways. Cartman: Yeah, screw them! Kyle: Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway. Stan: Whatever happened to Kenny? Scene Description: Romania, still grey and dismal daytime. Romanian protesters with signs bearing a picture of Kenny's head lobby in front of the house Kenny's in. Romanian protesters: Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! [a van pulls up and police officers all the way from the U.S. pour out] Officer 1: [sternly] Alright, people, the father wants his son returned to him! Hand him over to us! Romanian protesters: Boooo! Officer 2: Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's go. Move move move move! [bursts through the front door. Officers pour in and look all over the place for Kenny. They enter the master bedroom, and look under the bed and in dresser drawers. One of them head for the closet and opens the sliding door and again the Elian Gonzalez scene is recreated with Kenny and his mother facing the police] Officer 3: [seeing Carol holding Kenny] Hand over the boy, now! Carol: Okay, okay! Officer 3: I mean it, lady, you've got about-! [his assault rifle goes off, riddling Kenny with bullets. His mom is distraught and drops Kenny] Whoops.
Scene: Bridge Officer's log, stardate 47611.2. Doctor Beverly Crusher reporting. We have rendezvoused with Counselor Troi's shuttlecraft. She has just returned from a three day class reunion on Starbase two three one. Crusher: Send a message to Commander Data and inform him of our delay. Rainer: Aye, sir. Crusher: Deanna, welcome back. Troi: Thank you. I was just reporting in. I didn't expect to find anyone up except Data. Crusher: Data's away on assignment. A Federation deep space probe went off course and crashed on Barkon Four. Some of the material in the casing was radioactive, so Data was sent to recover it before it could contaminate the biosphere. Troi: Isn't Barkon Four inhabited? Crusher: Yes, it's a pre-industrial society, but the probe crashed over a hundred kilometers from the nearest settlement so Data shouldn't have any contact with the Barkonians. So, how was the reunion? Troi: Fine. It was good to see some old friends. I'd lost touch with most of them. It's interesting to see the different paths some of their lives have taken. Beverly, you don't usually stand a watch on the Bridge even when Data's not here. Crusher: I volunteered tonight. I like to put in a little Bridge time now and then, stay on top of operations, tactical procedures. The truth is, I like it. It's not every doctor who gets to command a starship, even if it is the night shift. Troi: May I ask you a personal question? Why did you decide to become a Commander? I mean, you didn't need the rank in order to be Chief Medical Officer, so why put yourself through all the extra work? Crusher: Oh, I don't know. I never even thought about my rank for a long time. It seemed pretty trivial compared to being a doctor. But then, about eight years ago, I started to feel like I wanted to stretch myself a little. Rainer: Commander, there's no response from Commander Data to our signal. Crusher: Continue sending him updates on our schedule. Rainer: Aye, sir. Troi: Is something wrong? Crusher: No. I wanted to let Data know there'd be a delay in picking him up for a few of days. We have orders to rendezvous with the Lexington and take some medical supplies to the Taranko Colony. Troi: But he's not responding. Crusher: Geordi said that the radiation from the probe might interfere with communications. I just thought I'd try anyway. Garvin: So when you return from school tonight, I'll be meeting with the village elders. Gia: Again? Garvin: Gia. Gia: I know, I know. You're the town magistrate and you have a lot of work to do, but it always seems like you're always in some meeting or Garvin: Gia, go home. Now. Who are you? What do you want? Data: Who are you? What do you want? Garvin: What's wrong with you? Data: What's wrong with you? Garvin: There's nothing wrong with me. Who are you? What is your name? Can you understand me? My name is Garvin. Data: My name is Garvin? Garvin: I thought I told you to go home. Gia: I know. Data: I do not know my name. Garvin: What? Data: You asked if I knew my name. I do not. Garvin: Well at least you seem to be understanding a little more. Data: Yes. It is becoming easier. Gia: Ask him where he's from, father. Garvin: Gia, go on to school. I'll deal with the stranger. Gia: Yes, Father. Goodbye. Data: Goodbye. Garvin: Your eyes and skin look so strange. Your clothes, you look like you've been in some kind of accident. Data: I do not remember being in an accident. Garvin: What do you remember? Data: I walked here from the mountains. Garvin: The mountains? The mountains are over two hundred seltons from here. Data: I have a clear memory of my journey. Garvin: What do you remember before that? Data: I have no prior memory. Garvin: Do you know what that is? Data: No. Garvin: May I? May I have it? Data: Yes. Garvin: There might be something in here that can tell us who you are. Garvin: I wonder what these markings mean. Data: Radioactive. Garvin: What? Data: That is what is written on the container. Garvin: You can read this language? Data: Evidently. Garvin: Radioactive. What does that mean? Data: I do not know. Perhaps it is my name. Garvin: I've never heard a name like that. You must come from a very distant place. Troi: Is that supposed to be a question? Troi: Because if you're asking me if I liked what you were playing, then the answer is yes. Troi: You know, this is a much better way of communicating for you. It's far less confusing than the way you normally speak. Riker: I knew I could count on my Imzadi, the ship's Counselor to boost my self-image. Troi: I'm glad to be of service. Riker: Did you come here for something in particular, or just general Riker bashing? Troi: Actually I wanted to ask your opinion about something. I've been thinking about taking the Bridge Officer's test and becoming a full Commander. Riker: What brought this up? Troi: A lot of things. Working on the personnel review last month, talking with Beverly about her experiences, going to my class reunion. Riker: Ah, the class reunion. You saw a few old friends who had already taken the test? Troi: All right, I admit it was a catalyst. But I can honestly say that I've been thinking about this off and on over the past two years. Riker: Why the past two years? Troi: Do you remember when the Enterprise hit that quantum filament and I was in command on the Bridge? Riker: I do. Troi: Well, when that happened, I was overwhelmed. But when it was over I realized that a part of me missed it. Not the actual disaster, but the experience of being in command. I felt like I was exploring a whole new side of myself. Not that I want to give up counseling by any means, but I really would like to stretch myself a little. Riker: Deanna, if you take the Bridge Officer's test, you'll have my complete support. But as First Officer, I'll be the one judging your performance, and you should know I am a pretty tough judge. Troi: And I'm a pretty good student. Riker: We'll start tomorrow morning, oh eight hundred hours. Talur: Remarkable set of teeth. Breath smells like, well, it doesn't have any smell actually. You can close your mouth. Let's see. Heartbeat sounds a little odd, but seems very regular. Skin feels clammy, but you say you feel fine? Data: That is correct. Talur: No headaches, palpitations, sluggishness, indigestion? Data: No. But I cannot have indigestion since I have not eaten. Talur: Ah. Malnutrition. You should try to eat something that will build strength and return your vitality. Lots of meat, butter, cheese, that should be a start. Garvin: What about his eyes and his skin? They're so odd. Talur: Quite so, quite so. I'm sure my grandmother would have called our friend here a demon or spirit or some kind of monster. But current scientific methodology allows us to dismiss such ridiculous superstitions and concentrate on scientific reality. Data: Then what do you believe I am? Talur: You are an ice man. Data: Ice man? Talur: Yes. You probably come from a race of people who lived in the snow and ice of the Vellorian mountains. Your skin and eye coloration are a result of prolonged exposure to harsh winter conditions. Data: Then I am not ill? Talur: Aside from your memory loss, you do not seem to have any symptoms of any illness that I am familiar with. No. You are an ice man. Now, get something to eat and a good night's rest, and I will come back tomorrow to see if your memory has begun to return. Data: Thank you. Talur: Hello, Gia. Gia: Hello. Gia: What did Talur say about him? Is he sick? Garvin: Not exactly. She said he's lost his memory, but seems to be fine otherwise. Talur thinks he's from a race that lives in the mountains. Data: I am an ice man. Garvin: We'll have to call you something besides Ice man until your memory returns. What was the word on the container? Data: Radioactive. Garvin: Mister Radioactive? Gia: I don't like that name. Let's call him Jayden. Garvin: What do you think of that? Data: Jayden. That is acceptable. Garvin: Right now, we need to clean him up and get him something decent to wear. Run upstairs and get some of my old clothes for him. Gia: Yes, Father. Garvin: I wonder if Skoran can tell us something about this metal of yours. Skoran: You, Ice man, where'd you find this? Data: I do not know. Garvin: I told you, he's lost his memory and we're calling him Jayden for now. Skoran: Jayden, huh? The metal is slightly warm. Garvin: All the fragments are like that. Skoran: It's obviously been tempered and milled. The lustrous quality of the metal is so pure. This wasn't made in any forge I've ever seen. Will you sell them? Garvin: You want them? Skoran: The metal's malleable enough to make some jewellry. Garvin: They belong to Jayden. Do you want to sell them? You're going to need money. Data: You may be right. But I do not wish to sell all the fragments. They may provide a clue to my identity. Skoran: I'll give you twenty doraks for half the lot. Garvin: Agreed. Apprentice: My leg! My leg! Get it off! Get it off! Skoran: We need a lever. Garvin: It'll be all right. Don't struggle. It will only Garvin: Jayden, put it down. Data: I believe the support structure on the anvil collapsed because some of the wood had rotted. Did I do something wrong, Garvin? Garvin: No, just unexpected. Talur: It's perfectly understandable. Your people probably all have great strength. It will allow them to fight off the ferocious creatures that live in the Vellorian Mountains. Data: You have told me no one from the village has ever been to the Vellorian Mountains. How can you be certain there are ferocious creatures there? Talur: It's a well known fact. Data: But no one has actually seen one? Talur: Well, not to my knowledge, but Gia: Father, are you all right? Garvin: I've been tired since this afternoon. I'm sure it's nothing. Talur: You feel slightly warm. Some fresh air and a brisk walk will do you good. Garvin: That sounds like a good idea. I'll be back soon. Gia: You didn't like it? Data: I neither liked it nor disliked it. I simply had no appetite. Gia: Father's cooking isn't as good as mother's. He tries, though. Data: Where is your mother? Gia: She died about a year ago. Father says she went to a beautiful place where everything is peaceful and everyone loves each other, and no one ever gets sick. Do you think there's really a place like that? Data: Yes. I do. Laforge: We just lost contact with everything above deck twenty one, including the Bridge. Worf: There is something wrong with one of the antimatter containment units. The magnetic field is starting to fluctuate. Troi: Switch to auxiliary control. Worf: Auxiliary control is not online. We are starting to lose containment on antimatter storage unit three. Troi: All right. Switch the EM power inverter to the lateral. No, wait. Use the neodyne relay. Laforge: Commander, the neodyne relay isn't holding. Containment failure in ten seconds. Troi: Computer, emergency procedure. Eject antimatter storage unit three. Authorisation, Troi omega omega three one. Computer: Unable to comply. All power to ejection systems has been terminated and cannot be restored. Laforge: Commander, the unit's beginning to o Riker: Congratulations. You just destroyed the Enterprise. Troi: Thank you for the encouragement. Riker: Don't feel bad. You passed everything else. Diplomatic law, first contact procedures, Bridge operations. The Engineering qualification's one of the toughest parts of the test. Troi: So what did I do wrong? Riker: I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Troi: Why not? What kind of a test is this? Riker: It's the kind of a test that you'll have to take again if you want to be a Bridge Officer. Only next time, the problem won't be so easy, so I suggest you study up on your emergency procedures. Troi: Well how do I know what to study if you won't tell me what I did wrong? Riker: I don't know. I'm afraid I can't tell you that either. Talur: Rock, fire, sky, and water are the basic elements of the universe. They can be found in every object, every person, every animal, everything. The rock in this wood can be felt by its weight and by its hardness. If we expose the wood to flame, we can encourage the fire within the wood to show itself. We can also see smoke, which is a part of the sky. The water in wood is difficult to see. Sometimes the elements are buried deep within the objects, but the four elements are always there. Yes, Jayden? Data: I do not believe that is correct. Talur: Oh? Data: I believe you are reasoning by analogy, classifying objects and phenomena according to superficial observation rather than empirical evidence. Wood, for example, does not contain fire simply because it is combustible, nor does it contain rock simply because it is heavy. Wood, like any complex organic form, is composed of thousands of different chemical compounds, none of which is fire. Talur: That will be enough for now, Jayden. As I told you earlier, our friend Jayden here has lost much of his memory, so I wouldn't put too much faith in any of his ideas. Now that will be all for today. I will see you tomorrow. Be sure to practice your spelling and arithmetic tonight. Gia: Are you all right? Data: Yes. But I do not agree with Talur's assessment. Although I do have gaps in my memory, I know that fire is not an element. Garvin: That is not what you promised me! Skoran: You're getting old, Garvin. I offered you fifteen for the metal and I've given it to you. No more. Garvin: We agreed on twenty. Data: Garvin is correct. You agreed on twenty. Skoran: Stay out of this, Ice man. Your memory is not very reliable. Gia: Father! Father, what's wrong? Garvin: I don't know I feel very weak suddenly. Gia: You have got a fever. We should get him home. Gia: What's wrong with him? Talur: I suspect he I don't know. I've never encountered anything like this before. These lesions look like burn marks. The fluids of his body have overheated. That would explain the fever and the burning skin. Keep him cool, let plenty of fresh air into the house, and I want you to give him these herbs. That will bring his fluidic temperature down and allow this to pass. Gia: I understand. Data: With an increased focal length and an achromatic objective lens, this instrument will have a higher effective magnification. Talur: I will come back tomorrow and check on you. Garvin: Thank you. Data: Garvin, with your permission, I would like to begin my own investigation regarding the cause of your illness. Garvin: Go ahead. Data: Gia, I would like you to accompany me to the village. I will need some supplies. Gia: What are you going to do with all this? Data: I will use these materials to make the laboratory equipment I need to research your father's illness. Gia: Do you think you can help him? Data: I do not know. First I must isolate the cause of the illness. Skoran: There he is! It's his fault! None of us were sick before he came to the village! Crowd: True. Data: Am I to understand that Garvin's illness has spread? Skoran: That's right. And you're the cause. Gia: That's not true! Data: Gia, I think we should leave. Skoran: That's it. Leave. Get out of here. Go back where you came from! Talur: Jayden what are you doing? Data: I am studying skin samples from Gia and Garvin in an attempt to isolate the cause of the illness. Talur: Gia? Data: Yes. She is also beginning to show signs of the illness. Talur: What is that? Data: It is a magnifying device based on your hand-held instrument. I have refined the design to increase the magnification level. Talur: May I? Data: Of course. Talur: How strong is the magnification? Data: Objects appear approximately five hundred times their normal size. As you can see, the cellular damage is quite extensive. However, based on interstitial transparency and membrane integrity, I do not believe it is an infection or any other form of communicable disease. Talur: I see. Data: At the moment, I am looking for a common event or experience that Gia, Garvin and Skoran might have shared that could have a causal relationship to their illness. Talur: Well they've all lived here in the village for many years. I'm sure they have many common experiences. Data: Yes, but since the illness struck all three in a relatively short period of time, it is reasonable to assume the experience is recent and unusual. Talur: Actually, Jayden, encountering you has been the most unusual experience that they've all shared recently. Data: I am aware of that. Excuse me. I am also open to the possibility that I may in some way be the causal factor. However, since you have had a great deal of contact with me and you show no signs of the sickness, I tend to discount myself as a likely candidate. Talur: Still, it has to be more than just a coincidence that shortly after you arrived, people started to become ill. Data: I agree. Gia: Jayden I tried to give father his broth, but he won't eat. Talur: You have a fever. You should be in bed. Gia: No, I'm all right. Father needs me. Data: Talur is correct. You should rest. I will attend to your father. Gia, when did you begin wearing that pendant? Gia: Two days ago. Father bought it from Skoran. Why? Data: May I see it? This is one of the metal fragments I sold to Skoran. Troi: The secondary plasma vent has a triple redundant bypass. Which means that the primary access junction is routed through Troi: Come in. Would be routed through the port transducer matrix. Come to give me more encouragement? Riker: No. I'm actually here to tell you that I've decided to cancel the rest of your test. Troi: What? Riker: I'm canceling the test. Troi: May I ask why? Riker: You've taken the Engineering qualification three times. You're no closer to passing. Troi: Well, then I'll take it four times, or fourteen times, or however many times are necessary for me to get it right. Riker: Deanna, this is nothing personal. Not everyone is cut out to be a Bridge Officer. I don't think this is for you. Troi: Why? Because I'm not the most technically-minded person on the ship? I may have trouble telling the difference between a plasma conduit and a phase inducer, but there's more to being a bridge officer than memorizing technical manuals. Riker: That's right, there is. You could spend the next month memorizing all the technical manuals in the computer, I still don't think you'd pass the test. Troi: Tell me one thing. Is there a solution? Or is this simply a test of my ability to handle a no-win situation? Riker: There is a solution. Troi: Then give me time to find it. Riker: I can't. As much as I care about you, my first duty is to the ship. I cannot let any Bridge Officer serve who's not qualified. I'm sorry. Troi: My first duty is to the ship. The ship! Troi: Computer, load Bridge Officer's test, Engineering qualification section one. Computer: Computer ready. Troi: Run program. Worf: The control system for the primary containment field is not functioning. Laforge: Something's severed the ODN conduit between here and the antimatter storage deck. Troi: Geordi, could you repair the ODN conduit if you went into the crawlspace? Worf: Sir, that crawlway is in a warp-plasma shaft. He would never survive the radiation. Troi: I know that. Geordi, could you repair the conduit? Laforge: Yeah, I think I could. Troi: Then do it. That's an order. Riker: End simulation. Something told me you wouldn't let this go. Congratulations. You passed. Troi: That's what this was all about, wasn't it? To see if I'd order someone to their death. Riker: That's right. Troi: I knew that was part of being in command and I thought I'd prepared for it, but when the moment came I hesitated. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Riker: You did exactly what you had to do. You considered all your options, you tried every alternative, and then you made the hard choice. Come on, let's get out of here, Commander. Data: I have coated this piece of cloth with the liquid which is used in lamps. As you can see, the cloth becomes luminescent when it is exposed to an energy source. This pendant also appears to be an energy source. Talur: But where is this pattern of light coming from? Data: I believe a stream of particles is emanating from the metallic pendant and hitting the cloth. Talur: I don't see any particles coming from the pendant. Data: You will see there are. I can even block them. Data: It would appear that this container was constructed of a material which absorbs or blocks the particles coming from the metal. Talur: It's a trick. Data: No. It is empirical data. I believe the fragments were originally placed in this container to protect people from accidental exposure. The word radioactive may be a warning about the dangerous nature of the metal. Talur: All right. Let's say for the moment that you're right, that there are invisible particles coming from the metal. What should we do? Data: I will continue my experiment. I would like you to gather all the pieces of metal in the village and place them in this container. Talur: All right. But when I return, I want a more thorough explanation of all this. And I want to examine your data, in detail. Data: Of course. Skoran: There you are. You're the cause of this, Ice man. Data: If you are referring to the illness, you are partially correct. However, it is more complex than that. The metal fragment which Skoran: What, what are you? Data: I do not know. Skoran: I saw it with my own eyes. He's not a person. He's some kind of creature. Gia: It's not true, Father. Skoran: We must find him and stop him before he kills us all. Garvin: I don't. Not Jayden. He wouldn't try to hurt us. Skoran: Come on. Talur: Let him rest for now. You should rest as well. Exerting yourself will only make you sicker. I'll be back. Data: Gia. Gia: Jayden? Everyone's looking for you. Skoran said you're some kind of creature. Data: I do not know what I am. But I am not like you. Gia: I know. You're an Ice man. We talked about that. Data: No. I am not. Gia: Jayden, why are you wearing that hood? Data: I do not wish to frighten you. Gia: I won't be afraid. Take it off. Please, I have to see. Data: I understand your reaction. But I do not wish to harm you. You or Garvin or anyone else. I only wish to help, to find a cure for the illness. I was very close. I must to continue my work, but it will take time. How long until Skoran and the others return? Gia: I don't know. They're looking for you now. Data: Then I must hurry. Data: Gia, I believe I have found the answer. Gia: You think you found a cure? Data: I believe so. I tested this medicine on skin samples from your father. They showed improvement, so I administered this to him. He is now recovering. Gia: What kind of medicine is it? Data: A compound I made which will neutralize the particles that are making you ill. Swallow this. I must administer this to everyone in the village, but I do not think they will trust me after what happened to Skoran. Gia: I could tell them. Data: I am afraid they will not believe you either. Gia, is the well in the town square the only source of water for this village? Gia: Well? Data: This is very important. Are there any other sources of fresh water near the village? Gia: No. The nearest river is two days away. Data: Then I will put this compound into the well water. It may be diluted, but it should still have enough potency to work. Gia: Compound Skoran: There he is! You see? It's just as I said. Data: I only wish to help. Skoran: This is how you've helped us, by bringing this plague? Tried to kill us all? Well, you won't succeed. I won't let you! Crusher: Excuse me. We're looking for a friend of ours. He might have wandered into your village a few days ago. Riker: You'd remember him. He would have appeared very strange. Pale skin, gold eyes. Gia: He was your friend? Crusher: Yes. Do you know him? Riker: Where is he? Crusher: I don't understand. Gia: We didn't know his real name, so we called him Jayden. Riker: You're saying he's dead? Gia: They killed him because they were afraid of him, but he saved all of us from the sickness. Crusher: The sickness? Gia: There were these pieces of metal. They made everyone sick. But Jayden put something in the water and now everyone's better. Riker: What happened to these pieces of metal? Gia: We buried them in the forest. What was his real name? Riker: Data. Gia: Data. He was my friend, too. Crusher: It's Data all right. He's buried about two meters down. He's been deactivated so I can't tell how bad the damage is. Riker: We could beam him and the probe fragments right onto the ship. No one would know. Crusher: Positronic net online. Subprocessor relays in place and neuroelectrical systems enabled. Crusher: Data, are you all right? Data: I do not know. I am surprised to find myself here. I thought I was on Barkon Four. Picard: What's the last thing you remember? Data: I had located the crashed Federation probe and collected the radioactive fragments. I was attempting to download the sensor logs from the probe's onboard computer. There was a power surge. I believe the surge overloaded my positronic matrix. After that, I have no memory until this moment. It appears I had an interesting time. Riker: We don't know much about what happened either. Apparently you saved an entire village from radiation poisoning. Crusher: And you were a very special friend to a little girl. Troi: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have the Bridge this watch. Data: Counselor, have you been promoted in my absence? Troi: That's right. Which means from now on you can call me sir. Data: Yes, sir.
Hermes: Well, we're bankrupt in six, five... Hermes: Four, three... Hermes: Two, one. And we're out of business. Farnsworth: Good news! We're back in business. We've been hired to deliver an envelope. Leela: It's crunch time. Let's do this. It's for you, Professor. Farnsworth: Great delivery, everyone. You're the finest crew I've had the honour to work with. Oh, my. We're being foreclosed upon. You're all terrible and incompetent! Amy: I resent that! Hermes: Wait. I found a loophole in the mortgage. If we actually pay it, we can keep the building. We just need... Eleven million dollars. Bender: And... Boned! Farnsworth: Aw. I suppose there's nothing left to do but move out. Leela, Amy, pack us a lunch for our new lives under the bridge while us men reminisce and smoke some stogies. Leela: We are not packing lunches, you walking beer commercials. It was you men who drove this company into the ground. Remember Fry's idea to offer free delivery? Fry: It got us a lot of customers! Leela: We're a delivery company! Amy: If you wanna save this company, you should listen to a woman's idea for once. Hermes: Okay. What you got? Leela: An airline! Amy: Yeah! Wait, what? Leela: We should become a commercial airline. I mean, we've got a ship, and teleporters won't be invented for another fifteen years, according to that guy from the future. Amy: Wow! That's actually a really good idea for a woman! Farnsworth: Puff! What else you ladies got? Bender: Girls-of-Planet-Express calendar! Fry: Girly calendar? Great idea, Amy! Hermes: Okay, then. Leela, Amy, come to work topless tomorrow. Leela: Forget it! I promised myself I wouldn't pose naked until I was married. Hermes: Sorry. It's in your contract. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: That's discriminatory! Hermes: No, it's in all our contracts. Here's mine. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Fry: Sounds fun. Bender: Back to work, Hermes! Scruffy: Now that's what I call fine print. Amy: Okay, but good luck making a girly calendar with only two female employees. Labarbara: Oh, husband! I'm so excited about this new job. Hermes: And it's excited about you, LaBarbara. First order of business is to put on your uniform and take your ID photo. Leela: Look, I agree that it makes space walking more comfortable, but, for a photo shoot, it's a little... Unsavoury. Over. Bender: Time is money, peaches. Now shut your com link and make love to the camera. And remember I'm the camera. Stop actually washin' and play with the sponges! Leela: But the ship is dirty. Bender: Uh, whatever. I ran out of film an hour ago. Farnsworth: No, no. This won't do. A three-month calendar? What is this, Mercury? Amy: I told you it wouldn't work. Farnsworth: Well, you should've talked louder. Fortunately, I came up with a brilliant idea to save Planet Express. We'll turn it into a commercial airline! Leela: But that was my idea! Farnsworth: Then you should've talked louder. What? Leela: There. It was hard work, but it beats posing in demeaning, skimpy modelling outfits. Farnsworth: Ladies, here are your demeaning, skimpy stewardess outfits. Bender: Sorry, ma'am. I'll have to confiscate your artificial knee cap. Hattie: Okay, here you go. Fry: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the plane's president speaking. Fry: We are cleared for takeoff. Leela: You put Goofus and Ganja in charge? I'm the only trained pilot here. Farnsworth: Please, Leela. Who ever heard of a plane with a woman president? Bender: Welcome to Plan Am Flight 1 to Acapulsar. The local time on Acapulsar is five years from now. In the event of a wormhole sendin' us back in time, do not kill your parents. If you who are travelling with small children, help them not to kill you before not killin' your own parents. Now please turn off all electronic devices. Fry: Uh, preparing for takeoff. Man: I kill you, my friend! Labarbara: I hope you all enjoyed our timey beverage service. Now sit back and endure our in-flight entertainment. Zoidberg: Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices. Petunia: Shut up and put on four episodes of Da Office. Amana: Ooh, your hands are warm... For a Robot. Bender: Thanks, baby. I don't know what you're doing back here in the galley, 'cause you got a first-class C. Leela: Captain, we were supposed to land two days ago. Is everything- Hey! Fry: Are we at the fair yet, Mommy? Leela: We're not at the any place! And we're out of fuel! Amy: Attention, passengers. Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete crash. Farnsworth: Perhaps we should reconsider the girly calendar. Leela: Flight-attendance log. We've crashed near a river of mercury on a lifeless, mineral world. Supplies are low. Cannibalism, imminent. Radio, busted. Our one hope is to form a society. Hermes: Okay, then. Men, let's get hunting. The women folk can cook what we catch. Labarbara: No one put you in charge, husband. I'm the only one here who ever ran a society. Hermes: Roller derby is not a society! Labarbara: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. All in favour of the jamooca thunderclap? That would be me. Hermes: Practically no one. All in favour of me? Dr. Cahill: Eight to eight. It's a tie. Farnsworth: We can't trust a woman's math! Count again! Big Rock Alien: Greetings, soft ones. Who among you is your leader? Men: He is! Women: She is! Big Rock Alien: Curious. You're a diarchic society? Hermes: Um, maybe. But, whatever we are, I'm the leader of it. Labarbara: Leader? Fat man, you couldn't even run a bath. Labarbara: Well, you sure can run something Your mouth! Big Rock Alien: Silence! Even a young pebble could see your race is divided based on the configuration of your twenty-third chromosome. Amy: You mean, "along gender lines"? Big Rock Alien: Gender? Sal: Yes. You knows, guyses, galses... In that order. Ows! Big Rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho. Zoidberg: Interesting. Come on, men! Let's kill him! Big Rock Alien: Your genders differ in many ways, but, as with all things that are different, chocolate and vanilla, Mac and PC, one is always clearly better. Bender: Chocolate, Mac, men. The end. Big Rock Alien: Well, I've got nothing to do for the next eight million years. Therefore, I will administer a series of tests to determine the superior gender. Test number one Who can drink the most sulfur? Test inconclusive. Test number two Who can drink the most arsenic? Farnsworth: Just ask us some damn questions. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Which is larger? An Italian size four or an American apparel medium? How many calories are in a small green-tea yogurt. Name any twelve of the Desperate Housewives. How was your day? Test complete. What is the score? Bender: Uh... Men, five. Women, less. Amana: Hey! He's lying. Big Rock Alien: Obviously. That was a test to see who could lie better. The men win that round. Farnsworth: In your face, decumbent urinators. Big Rock Alien: So far, I have learned nothing, but that's probably as much my fault as yours. The time has come for the final test. Fry: Uh, we usually call it the lightning round. Big Rock Alien: As you may have noticed, it's getting hotter here. Leela: It's nice. Fry: It's too hot. Zoidberg: Would one of you chicks change the thermostat? Big Rock Alien: Tomorrow morning, this planet makes its closest pass to the sun. You will all be boiled alive like retired circus animals. Unless you somehow can cross the Great Alkali Plains and reach shelter in the Cave of Harmony. Fry: That sounds hard. Big Rock Alien: Which ever gender reaches the cave will survive and may the inferior gender burst into something. Flames, I guess. Hermes: Uh-oh. I think we're walking in circles. I recognise the pattern of striations on that gypsum formation. Fry: Also, my shoe that fell off. Bender: Oh, God. We're all gonna die in agony. Small Rock Alien: Howdy there. You fellows need some directions? Bender: No, we're fine. Farnsworth: Beat it. Fry: Don't worry about it. Labarbara: Keep it up, sistren. Only a few more miles to the cave. Let's just buckle down and- Amy: Look! A clearance sale! Labarbara: What?! Where? Labarbara: I can't believe that sale was just a mirage. Now we're going to die without so much as a factory second-clutch purse to show for it. Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time. Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n Things! Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture! Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see. Hermes: We can't make it tonight. We'll set up camp here by this shoe. Farnsworth: Oh, gentlemen. When that sun rises in the morning, we're toast. These are our last moments together. So, if anyone's got any good fart jokes, now would be the time. Amy: It's a schmundered degrees and all we have to drink are non-diet sodas. Petunia: It's gonna ruin ma figger. Leela: Wait. I forgot that Amana here is a refrigerator. If we could supercharge her freon with a gas compressor, we might survive the heat and make it to the cave. Amana: Hey, yeah! But the only gas compressor on this planet is inside Bender's ass. Dr. Cahill: Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing. Labarbara: No one does! Nevertheless, Bender's gas blaster may be our only hope. Hermes: Oh! Wife? What are you doin' with Bender's shiny metal, gas compressor? Labarbara: None of your Biz Markie. Wait a second. What's that do wah in your ditty bag? Hermes: Okay... So we were hot. I stole Amana's freon coil so we could hook it up to Bender's ass and build a cooler. Labarbara: You are no better than me, ya shifty tree skink! How do you live with yourself? Hermes: Damn it, woman! You are makin' me highly Selassie. Labarbara: Don't you talk to me that way, you big, hairy Belafonte! Hermes: Oh... You cookin' me back bacon. Thank you, woman. Labarbara: That's not back bacon! That's your back bakin'! Hermes: Oh, no! We overslept. Amy: The mercury's boiling! Petunia: Can't breathe... Lungs burnin'... Fry: My lucky shoe! Bender: Goodbye, cruel me! I learned that from a movie. Big Rock Alien: I find both genders supremely disappointing. The real reason I administered this bizarre, outer-space test was to teach you to work together! But you couldn't. Thanks to you, I lost my bet with the Borax Kid. Fry: Never bet against me being stupid. Big Rock Alien: Enough! Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict. Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? My wing-wang's gone! Leela: My girls! Bender: My antenna! Hattie: My kajigger! Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up. Big Rock Alien: I have freed you from the tyranny of gender. Now go in peace. Or actually stay here. I'll go in peace. Farnsworth: Good news, nuchachos! The ship is nearly repaired. Sal: Work goes fasters withouts no secondary sex characteristicses at which to hoot. Now who wants to sing some Christopher Cross songs? Labarbara: I do! Fry: Look, associates. I made a hammock from our clothing. Leela: How industrious! Amy: Do you mind if we sleep with you? Fry: I have no opinion. Well, good night. Hermes: Everyone got along so well today. Labarbara: Yes. This place is like a neutered utopia. A neutopia! Hermes: I enjoy humour when no one gets hurt. Labarbara: Your companionship is inoffensive, Hermes. Hermes: Likewise. Really, what are we missing out on by not having sex right now? Labarbara: Well... Hermes: Give us back our genitals! Big Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them. Labarbara: Bein' Human isn't just about bein' happy! It's about lovin' and fightin' and that rasta MacNasty we were doin' last night. We want that back. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson. Or something. Bender: Now what? Big Rock Alien: I have decided, after little thought, to return your genders. Amy: Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed! Hattie: Now I got a what-ya-call-it instead of a kajigger, you stupid what-ya-call-it! Big Rock Alien: Okay. Stop yelling at me! It was an innocent mistake. Allow me to rectify it. Zapp: I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. Leela: What's your problem, Holmes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Zapp: Chill out, dude. Well, hello from the neck down. Bender: Thank you for your patronage. We know you have a choice in airlines and you made the wrong one. No refunds! Hermes: Aren't we going to cuddle? Labarbara: Woman, I'm tired! I'm sorry. It's just... I need my sleep. I got to get up five times a night to play Xbox. Hermes: I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelin's? Labarbara: I only need one feelin' Love for you, wifey man. Hermes: Your manwich! Labarbara: No wonder it's such a mess in there. These bad boys are hard to aim. Leela: I hate being a man. I smell bad, my face is scratchy, and the food at those strip clubs is terrible. Amy: Crappin' A! Still, I'm sure the women are having an even harder time. Bender: OMG! Being chicks is so much fun. Fry: Now, when I say stupid things, guys all laugh and buy me stuff. Leela: What a skank. Anyway, Planet Express is still facing foreclosure. There's no way we can raise enough money to save this company. Amy: Wait. What about the girly calendar? Fry: Well, that won't work, remember? We only have three women on staff- Labarbara: "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: And it is requested. Farnsworth: Let's just hope we can sell enough of these calendars by tomorrow. Farnsworth: We sold enough of those calendars since yesterday! Leela: Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts! Fry: Who're you, stranger? Borax Kid: Well, madam, folks called me the Borax Kid. My friend, the other rock Alien, died without settin' your genitals to right, so I reckon it's up to me to sex you up proper. Leela: My girls are back! Fry: Ow! Yay! Hermes: So what did you like better, my love? Bein' a man or a woman? Labarbara: I don't care what parts I have. As long as they interlock with yours. Farnsworth: Ah, marriage. It combines the contentedness of being neutered with the occasional sex of being not. Borax Kid: Well, I'd best mosey on down to the landing. Sounds like the feldspar queen is about to set sail. You folks watch your genitals now. Come on, boy! Giddy up! Leela: And that's that. Scruffy: What I miss?
Scene Description: South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre. Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on stage and an announcer speaks Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY! [the curtains part and Jimmy walks forward wearing a tuxedo] Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience. [the curtains close behind him] I know what most of you are thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my show..." [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on... [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. [the soft sound of one person clapping is heard] Uh... l... lights, please? [the house lights click on and only one person is seen in the seats: Butters] Butters: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Butters, w-where is everybody? Butters: Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him. Jimmy: Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?! Butters: You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman. Jimmy: I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?! Butters: Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show. Jimmy: So then, how come you came? Butters: Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh? [Jimmy stews on stage] Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front of the stage Mayor McDaniels: And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve. [everyone claps and the curtains open. The mayor and her aides step aside. Christopher Reeve rolls out towards the mic. Jimmy shows up to watch.] Reeve: Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. [stops to catch his breath with a fixed smile in place] I just flew into South Park. [catches his breath] Used to be I didn't need an airplane. Townspeople: Awwwww. [a smattering of applause] Reeve: As most of you know, [catches his breath] I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research. Jimmy: Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show! ["It is a proven fact that stem-cell research"] Cartman: We didn't go to your comedy show. Jimmy: I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! ["can add many years to the lives of people who have been disabled by accidents"] Stan: Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. ["or other ways."] Jimmy: Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do! Kyle: Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve. Stan: Yeah dude, not cool. Reeve: Though it is controversial, [catches his breath] stem cell research is critical [catches his breath] in the quest for helping [catches his breath] the disabled. Jimmy: I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH! [waddles off in a huff] Stan: Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one. Kyle: Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something. [they turn right and trot off] Timmy: Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a. Jimmy: [approaching] Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy? Timmy: Timmeh!! Jimmy: Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much. Timmy: Rrruh Timmeh! Reeve: In the coming days [catches his breath] I will prove to the world [catches his breath] that stem-cell research is a miracle. Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their trucks.] Cartman: Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep. Jimmy: Hey there fellas. Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled. [start laughing. The boys go back to playing with their trucks.] Kyle: What? Jimmy: To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve! Stan: That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one. [Jimmy and Timmy turn and walk away] Cartman: [jumps up and catches up to them] Hey, wait a minute! [Timmy and Jimmy stop] You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it! Jimmy: Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join. Cartman: Can too! Jimmy: [turns to Timmy] Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. [begins to laugh. Timmy begins to laugh as well] You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is. [Jimmy and Timmy laugh, and walk away laughing] Cartman: Oh God-damnit!! Kyle: Cartman, just stay out of it. Cartman: But they say I can't be in their club!! Stan: Cartman, trust me. [Kenny pushes his own truck away] We don't want any part in this one. Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it and enter Jimmy: Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. [Timmy has a box on his lap] McGillicuddy: Hello, boys. What can I do for you? Jimmy: [takes the box from Timmy] Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club. [Timmy beams with delight] We just came up with a name this morning. [McGillicuddy opens the box, pulls out the shirt, and his jaw drops. The shirt reads, "THE CRIPS"] McGillicuddy: Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts Jimmy: Why not? McGillicuddy: Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much. Jimmy: [stunned] ...There's already a Crips?! McGillicuddy: Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them? Jimmy: No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve? McGillicuddy: ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. [leaves the counter] Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and Timmy exit Jimmy: Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it. Timmy: [excited] Timmmeh! Jimmy: Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver. Scene Description: The Larry King Show on HNN, on air. King: My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms. Reeve: Thanks for having me on again, Larry. King: All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you. [with that fixed grin, Reeve strains to lift his right arm a few inches, then sets it down again.] Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is... unethical. Reeve: Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated [catches his breath] about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one [pulls a dead fetus up from an unseen container] can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet. King: And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris? Reeve: Well, it's very simple. [takes the fetus and cracks it open like a coconut, then sucks out its contents and tosses it aside] And now you can see, my arms have better movement. King: Wow. [begins clapping] Wow. Scene Description: Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, and a woman's screams are heard. Jimmy: Excuse me, sir. [the bum stops, startled] we're looking for a group of people called the Crips. Bum: You are? Jimmy: Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library. Bum: The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there, [points to the building he just passed] but ...nobody goes in there. Jimmy: [moves forward] Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim. Timmy: Timmmih! [follows] Scene Description: Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks in. Jimmy: Well hello everyone. [music abruptly stops] I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy. Timmy: Timmmih! [awkward silence, then softly] Tih... ti-timmih. Jimmy: [to a friend at left, as he points to the duo] Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter. Large Crip: Is they for real, manh? Jimmy: We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident? Braided Crip: The only Crips is born Crips, dawg. Tall Crip: Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool! Jimmy: I agree. I mean, it's like [enunciates] "come on"! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs? Timmy: Timmih! [silence] Jimmy: Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group? Buff Crip: All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods. Jimmy: Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it. Timmy: Timmih? Jimmy: [turns and answers softly] I don't know, Timmy, just play along. Timmy: Uh-tu-Timmih! Buff Crip: So you sayin' yuh down? Jimmy: Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown. [music starts up again, and Timmy and Jimmy leave. As they walk down the street a rap song plays] Jimmy: Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros? Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park. [as they walk, a police car rolls up and the passenger-side officer calls out] Officer: Hey you kids. Jimmy: [stops and looks] Well hello, officers. Officer: What the hell do you think you're doin'? Jimmy: We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods. Timmy: Timmih! [the officers simply look at each other and drive off.] Jimmy: [sees something] Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store. ["Ribs N Gass." A lot of gang members are milling around in front of the store] That must be what the fellas meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods." They want us to get them some soda pop and treats. [the gang members notice them coming and stop to look. They cross the street] Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure. Timmy: Oh, Timmih. [a truck appears in the distance and comes up fast.] Driver: [noticing almost too late] Oh shit! [swerves to avoid the duo and slams into the convenience store they were trying to reach. The store and truck go up in a ball of flames while Jimmy and Timmy stop in their tracks] Jimmy: Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver! Scene Description: Back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back at the warehouse. Buff Crip: Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night! Crip 1: One night? Crip 2: You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night? Buff Crip: That ain't never been done before! 58 Crip: And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale. Crips: [chattering] Uh huh. Cool. He's right. Jimmy: So does that mean we can join the c-c...club? Buff Crip: You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac! [a Crip steps forward] Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style! Cipac: All right. [hobbles off] Jimmy: Wow, these guys really are crippled. [the music starts up and the Crips start dancing] Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant. Timmy: Timmih! Scene Description: Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. The occupants are Crips. Jimmy: Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time. Cipac: Alrighty. Keep it real, dawg. Jimmy: You dawgs keep it real, too. [Cipac flashes the Crips signs for "West Coast Crips" and the boys return the gesture] Timmy: Timmih! [the Crips drive off] Jimmy: Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy. Timmy: Timmih! [Jimmy goes on home as Timmy rolls off] Scene Description: Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom worried. Mom: [jumps up] There you are, Jimmy! Jimmy: Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops? Pops: Jimmy, your mother was gettin' worried about you. Jimmy: No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. [turns and hobbles off] Scene Description: Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begins speaking to the camera. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand. Reeve: [flanked by two doctors, one of them carrying a medical organ cooler] Thank you everyone. [pulls out a fetus from the cooler and holds it in his left hand] To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me, [lifts it into the air] it's hope. [snaps it open as before and sucks out its juices.] Crowd: Uugh. Scene Description: Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs. Mr. Garrison: [arm around Mr. Slave] What an inspiration. Reporter: Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now? [Reeve takes out another fetus and sucks it dry. Stan and the boys walk by] Stan: [admonishing] Stay clear, guys, stay clear. Kyle: Yup. I'm not seeing anything. Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits. Mr. Kim: Hey [studies the boys before him, then holds up his arms] Hey, I don't want no trouble! Jimmy: Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung... Pao Chicken, please. Mr. Kim: I don't want no trouble! You just... take what you want and leave! Timmy: Timmih! Mr. Kim: [as if Timmy had barked an order] OH! Okay, okay! [steps to the cash register and opens it] I open register Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please. Timmy: Timmih. Mr. Kim: [pulls out a stack of bills and sets them on the counter, then holds his arms up again] Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take! Jimmy: [confused] Huh? Mr. Kim: You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar! Jimmy: Ah- are you sure? Mr. Kim: I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave! Jimmy: [approaches the counter. Mr. Kim goes about preparing the food order] Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person. [gets the money and shows it to Timmy] Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something. Mr. Kim: Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea! Jimmy: Actually, it was a regular lemonade. Mr. Kim: [mortified at his error] AAAAAGH-agh!! [bows] I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble. [reaches for a cup and prepares a regular lemonade] Here. Remonade. [sets it on the counter. Jimmy reaches for it] Now go, just go! Jimmy: Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time. Timmy: [smiles] Timmih! Mr. Kim: [soon lowers his arms and places a call] Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, then closes. Pops: Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please? Jimmy: [enters] Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops? Pops: Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you. [Jimmy approaches a chair and struggles to climb up on it. He gets no help from his parents. He succeeds in climbing the chair, then in sitting upright. He settles down.] Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang. Jimmy: A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg. Mamsie: Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! [buries her face in Ryan's chest and sobs uncontrollably] Jimmy: Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean [enunciates the nest two words] come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much. Ryan: Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good. Jimmy: Yo, don't be dissing my n*as, dawg. They're my f-friends. Mamsie: And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too? Jimmy: [now naturally] Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole! Ryan: Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason! Jimmy: Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school. Ryan: That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son. Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n*a on your left. [hops off the chair and ambles off. His mom sobs again. Ryan holds her] Scene Description: A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, having a headache. Reeve: Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again. Aide: [rushes in with a fresh delivery] Here's the new shipment, sir. [Reeve lunges for the box and rips it out of the aide's hands, pushing the aide away] Hey! [Reeve tears into the box, opens the cooler, grabs a fetus, and starts sucking its juices out. A few seconds later, a door at the far wall opens] Man: Hello there, Christopher. [Reeve is upset that he's been disturbed, but turns around and turns pleasant] Reeve: Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you? Hackman: I'm good. You? Reeve: I am better with each passing day. [turns around and pulls out another fetus] Stronger and more agile. [sucks its juices out as Hackman looks on] Hackman: Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing? Reeve: [with fetus still on his lips] What? Hackman: Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone. Reeve: And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman? Hackman: I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher. Reeve: [raises his arms in a fit of rage, then turns away] Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am... [looks back menacingly] Chris! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle. Jimmy: Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six- [outside, a car rolls up to the house slowly. Four Bloods look at the house, all of them with masks on] Blood: [front passenger side] Payback time, mothafucka! [the Bloods starts spraying the house with bullets] Jimmy: [looks around as the bullets tear up the windows] Jesus Christ! [dives to the floor and crawls to the other side of the table, then rises up.] Holy G...guacamole! [the bullets start tearing up the couch and the front door. Jimmy dives to the floor, then rises up a few seconds later.] Freakin' Frijoles! [dives to the floor again. The front door is gone and the couch's stuffing is all over the place. Its springs pop out. The right-side portrait next to the door falls. The bullets stop, and Jimmy rises once again] Leapin' L-langosta. [the left-side portrait falls] Blood: East Side Bloods! [the Bloods drop back into their car and peel off. Some time later, Officer Barbrady and his men show up to take reports and check out the crime scene. Timmy has returned to be with Jimmy. Two people walk up to the Swansons] Hyde: We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver. Jimmy: Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer? Richardson: Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods. Jimmy: The... B-Bloods? Hyde: You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time! Jimmy: The-they do?? Richardson: Don't act like you don't know, you lil' punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too. Jimmy: But... but why do they hate each other? Hyde: Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore! Jimmy: Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve? Hyde: [realizes this conversation is fruitless] Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed. [the detectives leave. Jim's mom begins to sob and then runs into the house.] Ryan: [follows her in] Sarah! Jimmy: [begins to pace before Timmy] Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong. Timmy: [agreeing] Tim-mih. Jimmy: Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: This is gonna be t-terrific! Scene Description: South Park, next day, in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Reporter: [same as before] Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head. [Christopher walks over to a green truck and lifts the front end up over his head. The crowd oohs and claps for him] Randy: Oh, what a fighter. Gerald: That brave, brave man. Liane: He's an inspiration to us all. Reporter: Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength. Hackman: [appears with a crowd of people] Chris, that's enough! Reeve: [looks at Hackman and drops the truck] Hello, Gene! So good to see you! Hackman: You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells. Reeve: Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?! Reporter: Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is. Hackman: They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you! Reeve: Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! [reaches over, picks up the truck clear over his head, and throws it at Hackman. Hackman and his crowd jump clear of the truck's path, screaming. The truck lands upside down where the crown stood. Reeve then runs down the street and onto a car] You won't stop me, Hack Man! [runs off the truck and jumps away maniacally] Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa! [jumps higher and higher until he clears buildings with each jump] Ya ha ha! Yaa haha! Reporter: Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now. Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disguised as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat. Jimmy: Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside. [the last of the guests enter] Great to see you all. What a terrific audience. Janitor: [an elderly man soon exits] Are you sure you got everything you need, young man? Jimmy: We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by. Mr. Appleby: Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area. Jimmy: You bet. [he and Timmy move around him and into the center] Mr. Appleby: I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time. Jimmy: Oh, we will. [Mr. Appleby closes the door and locks it.] Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball hoop. The Crips stand in reply. Buff Crip: The Bloods! Blood 1: Oh shit! It's a trap! Blood 2: Muthafuckin Crips tryin' to smoke us all out! Crip: What the hell is goin' on here? [Jimmy and Timmy step into the middle ground between the two gangs] Jimmy: It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles. Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along. [immediately, both sides draw weapons and aim them at each other. Once all the weapons are out...] Theeerrre's pizzaaa. Scene Description: Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made lake. Reporter: Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom! [Its headquarters now appears behind him] The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom. Scene Description: Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing before a group of villains, both real and imagined. Reeve: I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, [Osama bin Laden and Dr. Doom are shown, then Blank Manta and Saddam Hussein] Their desire for world conquest, [Cheetah, Kim Jong-il, and David Blaine are shown] and their hatred of all things good! [Professor Chaos is shown] And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to... [the picture behind him changes from a fist smashing Earth to a picture of Gene Hackman] get rid of Hack Man!! [laughs maniacally for effect, but no other villain moves] Dr. Doom: Uhhh, how about domination of the world? Saddam Hussein: Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels? Reeve: Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission. Professor Chaos: Oh boy, General Disarray, may- maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one. Hackman: [bursts through the doors with his supporters] Not so fast, Chris! Reeve: [sucking on yet another fetus] Hack Man! Hackman: We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over! Reeve: No... [grabs his head in frustration] NOOOO! Hackman: And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again! Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge each other. Buff Crip: You stupid mofos are dead! Blood 3: Make the first shot, punk! Jimmy: Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers. Blood 4: Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! [the atmosphere grows tense] Jimmy: Look, we have the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together? 58 Crip: You talkin' crazy, dawg. Blood 5: Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka! Jimmy: Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, [enunciates] Come on! [several tense seconds pass] Buff Crip: Wait a minute. What did you say? Jimmy: I said, "I mean, [enunciates] Come on!" Blood 4: You know, maybe he's right. I mean, [enunciates] Come on! Jimmy: [enunciates] Come on. Buff Crip: I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like [enunciates] Come on. Blood 6: Yeah. Come on. Crip 2: Yeah, that's right. Come on. Jimmy: Come on. Someone: Come on. All: [in agreement] Yeah, that's right. Come on. [moments later rap music is playing, gang members gather in the pool and one prepares for a dive. In the gym gang members play basketball without arguing. One of them dances along the foul line. In another room gang members play pool. The camera stops at Jimmy and three members - two Crips and one Blood] Buff Crip: I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate. Jimmy: I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger. Blood: Right on! Crip: [walks up to Timmy] Hey little roller, try some of this chronic shit. Timmy: Timmih! [takes a hit. Both Crips and Bloods laugh] Jimmy: I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'. [a song begins, and Jimmy approaches the camera] The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in? Gang Members: It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along, But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song. Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love. Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs. Scene Description: Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane of glass. Reeve: You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!! Scene Description: The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the celestial spectacle. Stan: Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one. Kyle: Me too.
Bill: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no. Reilly: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there. George: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox? Reilly: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. George: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit! Jerry: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'? George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.' Jerry: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him? George: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here. Jerry: Oh. That's not quite the same. George: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet. Jerry: I'm gonna grab a can of balls. George: Right. Milos: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you. Jerry: I need a can of balls. Milos: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri... Milos: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you? Kramer: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes? Elaine: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies. Kramer: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack. Elaine: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream. Kramer: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick. Elaine: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one. Kramer: Yeah, went straight to video. Kramer: (positive) That makes me the premiere. Elaine: (gets Kramer's point) Hah. Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness? Jerry: No. Kramer: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this. Jerry: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.' Kramer: Can you do that for me, buddy? Jerry: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document. Kramer: Well, I'm gonna type it up. Jerry: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer. Kramer: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present. Kramer: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh? Jerry: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it. Jerry: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with. Kramer: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more. Jerry: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book. Kramer: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page. Elaine: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs) Elaine: What? Vincent (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie? Elaine: Who is it? Vincent (O.C.): It's Vincent. Elaine: Of Vincent's picks? Vincent (O.C.): The same. Jerry: He called you? Elaine: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours. Jerry: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous. Elaine: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours. Player (O.C.): Little help, hey! Elaine: (tossing the ball back) Yeah. Player: Thank you. Elaine: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible. Jerry: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm. Elaine: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club? Jerry: George used up all my guest passes already. Elaine: Ah. Player: Ahh. Jerry: Come on. Player: Thank you. Jerry: (tossing the ball) Here you go. Jerry: (disbelief) Milos? Milos: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing? Milos: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here. Elaine: So he was bad. What d'you care? Jerry: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log. Kramer: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor. Elaine: The executor? Of what? Jerry: Kramer wants to die with dignity. Elaine: There's a feather in your cap. Kramer: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers) George: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends. Jerry: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter? George: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again. Elaine: Who's Reilly? Jerry: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.' George: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.' George: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?! Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'? George: (confused) What does that mean? Jerry: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.' George: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me. Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him. George: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line. Kramer: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se... George: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess! Kramer: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage? Jerry: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings. Kramer: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will? Kramer: (indicating) You see? You can't let go. Jerry: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you. Kramer: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon? Elaine: Me? Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats. Elaine: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon. Shellbach: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function. Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate? Shellbach: I don't see how. Elaine: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one. Kramer: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord. Elaine: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower. Shellbach: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system. Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system. Shellbach: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube. Kramer: Naw, that's not my style. Elaine: Bore-ing. Shellbach: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else. Kramer: (hesitant) Uhm... Elaine: I'd stick. Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop. Elaine: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right. Jerry: Hello Milos. Milos: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen... Jerry: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about. Milos: I..I... Jerry: You can't even play. Milos: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge. Jerry: You could do that? Milos: Jerry, for you, anything. Jerry: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos? Milos: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money. Jerry: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I... Milos: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you. Jerry: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me. Jerry: Tennis, anyone? Elaine: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes? Kramer: That's a lotta yearning, huh? Elaine: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting. Kramer: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx. Elaine: Really? Kramer: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise. Elaine: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well... Kramer: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box) Elaine: Yeah, I could use a chuckle. Kramer: (approving) Yeah. Elaine: What're you getting? Kramer: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness. Elaine: Oh. How much you got left? Kramer: Yeah, about two hours. Kramer: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick. Elaine: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh! Elaine: Hello. Vincent (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine? Elaine: Vincent? Vincent (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special. Elaine: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it. Elaine: Vincent? Fred: Alright, let's get to it. George: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly? Fred: Reilly doesn't work here any more. George: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that. Fred: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings. Patty: Hello. Jerry: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday? Patty: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here. Jerry: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee? Patty: Why don't we just go up to your apartment? Jerry: (surprised) Alright. Jerry: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way. Nurse (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma? Doctor (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same. Doctor (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma. Doctor (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay? Allbright (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush. Jerry: So, you play tennis? Patty: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry. Jerry: Not for me, I love chatting. Patty: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh. Patty: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him! Jerry: Who? Patty: (cries) Milos. My husband! Jerry: (shocked) Your husband?! George: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola? Jerry: (explanation) He's new around here. George: (hopeful) So, details? Jerry: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her. George: Because of society, right? Jerry: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out? George: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that? Jerry: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go. George: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go. Jerry: You never really had the right comeback, anyway. George: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say. Kramer: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end. George: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot. Kramer: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma. Jerry: I didn't know it was possible not to know that. George (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband? Kramer: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable. George (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww. Kramer: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug. Elaine: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I... Kramer: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it. Elaine: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done? Manager: Excuse me. Elaine: What're you doing? Elaine: Wha..wha...? Manager: Vincent stopped making picks. Elaine: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see? Manager: We have a wide variety of Gene picks. Elaine: (dismissive) Gene's trash. Manager: I'm Gene. Elaine: (forcing a smile) Hi. Jerry: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing. Milos: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore. Jerry: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade. Milos: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man. Jerry: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too. Jerry: So you hurt Vincent's feelings? Elaine: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today. Jerry: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this? Elaine: It's the play button, off his VCR. Jerry: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth. George: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio. Elaine: Ohio? George: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Jerry: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy? George: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself. Elaine: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all. George: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience! George: (waving apologetically) Not you. Old Woman (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain. Elaine: Hello. Vincent (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent. Elaine: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you. Vincent (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me. Elaine: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you. Vincent (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while. Kramer: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed. Secretary: Hi, can I help you? Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will. Secretary: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day. Jerry: Too good. Milos: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha! Jerry: You're on fire today. Milos: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful! Milos: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu. Jerry: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff? Milos: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha! Elaine: Hello? Vincent? Vincent: Elaine? Elaine: I got what you asked. Vincent: Just, leave it and go. Elaine: W..well, can't I come in? Vincent: No. Go away. Now. Elaine: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel. Woman: Excuse me. Can I help you? Vincent: Aw, dammit! Elaine: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent. Woman: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here? Vincent: (shrieks) No, my acne! Elaine: Ahh-cnee. Woman: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here? Woman: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old? Elaine: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies. Woman: Did he send you part of our VCR? Elaine: Yeah. Woman: (entering the apartment) Vincent! Milos: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah. Jerry: (quietly) I told you to cut it out. Milos: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience) Kramer: (waving) Shellbach. Kramer: Racquet. Reilly: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium? George: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody. Mcadam: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense. George: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth. Reilly: (leaning forward) You know, George... Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. George: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you Reilly: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! George: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife. Mcadam: His wife is in a coma. Elaine: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing? Jerry: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy. Elaine: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick. Jerry: What happened to Vincent? Elaine: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet? Elaine: Ah. Kramer: (screaming) Waahhh!!! George: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and... George: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh! George: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!
Quark: Why don't you tell your Uncle Quark all about it? Dax: What are you talking about, Quark? Quark: You're fifteen minutes late for your appointment in the holosuites, and by the look of that drink, you've been nursing it for a while. You got stood up, didn't you? Dax: Well, if you must know, I'm waiting for Major Kira. We were supposed to go anti-grav sailing together, but you know how she feels about the holosuites. Kira: She feels they're a complete waste of time. Anything worth doing in a holosuite can be done better in the real world. Quark: You've obviously never been in the right holosuite program. But, if you'd like, I could Kira: You could, but you'd live to regret it. Quark: Maybe some other time. Kira: Sorry I'm late. Sisko and I had to revise crew rotations again. Dax: So you're not canceling? Kira: No. I'm kind of looking forward to it, except for crashing. Dax: Oh, don't worry, you won't crash. We'll start out with an easy simulation like sailing across the Great Erg on New Mecca. You'll see, it'll be great . Crewman: Ops to Major Kira. Kira: Kira here. Crewman: You have an incoming communication from the Bajoran Central Archives. Kira: I'm in the Replimat. I'll take it down here. This will only take a minute. Kira: This is Major Kira. Alenis: Major My name is Alenis Grem. I'm doing a study on the Elemspur Detention Center for the Bajoran Central Archives and I was hoping to ask you a few questions. Kira: I'd be glad to help, but why come to me? I was never at Elemspur. Alenis: Cardassian records clearly indicate that a Kira Nerys was held at Elemspur for seven days. Kira: You've got the wrong Kira Nerys. Believe me, if I'd been held in a Cardassian prison, I'd remember. Alenis: I don't understand. I have the records right here. Kira Nerys of Dahkur Province, a member of the Shaakar resistance cell. You see? Dax: It's you. Odo: If your memory and these prison records don't agree, then one of them must be wrong. Either the records or Kira: My memory is fine. I know exactly where I was that week. Odo: After ten years? Kira: I spent the entire winter with my Resistance group in the Dahkur Hills. We had no power cells for our phasers, very little food, and we spent most of our time in caves hiding from Cardassian sensor sweeps. Believe me, it was very memorable. These records are fake. The only question is, who faked them and why. Odo: According to this, you supposedly shared a cell with three other inmates. Maybe one of them can help us find out what's going on here. Yeln: Elemspur? I haven't thought about that place for a long time. Kira: I was hoping you could answer some questions about your fellow prisoners. Yeln: I'll try and. Now wait a minute. I remember you. You were there, too, weren't you? Kiri something? Kira: Kira. Kira Nerys. Yeln: I almost didn't recognize you. You used to wear your hair differently, didn't you? Longer? Kira: You remember me after all this time? Yeln: When the Cardassians dragged you out of our cell, I gave you up for dead. Glad to see I was wrong. Those were bad times. Kira: Yes, they were. Sisko: He could've been lying. Kira: Maybe. But the records and the only surviving witness both say I was at Elemspur. My memory says something different. I've got to find out the truth. Sisko: I understand. If there's anything you need? Kira: I'll let you know. This shouldn't take long. I should only be on Bajor a few days. Sisko: We'll try to manage without you until you get back. Bashir: There you are, Garak. I went past your shop, but it was closed. Garak: Unfortunately business has been a bit slow. For some reason, living under the constant threat of Dominion attack has made people less eager to invest in new clothing. So how was your trip to Klaestron Four? Bashir: Oh, terrific. The Klaestrons have developed a burn treatment technology which has to be seen to be believed. Garak: You know, I envy you. Bashir: How so? Garak: When I was younger, traveling was a bit of a passion for me. There are few things in life that compare with the thrill of immersing yourself in the culture of an alien world, meeting the inhabitants, earning their trust. But aside from our brief excursion to Bajor, I don't think I've been off this station in nearly three years. Bashir: What's stopping you? Ships are leaving Deep Space Nine almost every day. Garak: Space is dangerous, Doctor. You never know what might happen. Bashir: Garak, you're being paranoid. Are you saying the Cardassian government would have you killed if you left this station? Garak: My dear Doctor, you do have a vivid imagination. Dax: Commander, we're receiving a transmission from the Bajoran Central Archives Sisko: I'll take it. If you're looking for Major Kira, I'm afraid she's not on the station right now. She's on Bajor. Alenis: I know. That's why I called. The Major contacted me before she left. She was supposed to meet with me so I could show her the information I retrieved from Elemspur. She never came. I tried to contact the Major to reschedule, but she wasn't where she said she'd be. As far as I can tell, no one's seen her since she left the spaceport for Elemspur. Entek: Wake her. Kira: Where where am I? Yteppa: It's all right. You're safe. Kira: What have you done to me? Entek: We've brought you back home, to Cardassia. Entek: Please, we're here to help you. Kira: I don't know who you are or what you're trying to do, but it won't work. Whatever you think this is going to get you, you can forget it. Entek: We don't think it's going to get us anything. If all we wanted was information, we'd have it already. Kira: Oh? Then what's stopping you? Entek: We have no intention of hurting you. Why should we? You're one of us. Kira: This is absurd. You can mutilate me, change my appearance, you are never going to convince me that I am a Cardassian. Entek: I know this is difficult for you, and I'm sorry. I wish there were a better way to prepare you for what you're going through. Sometimes I question the wisdom of our infiltration methods. By altering the memories of our long-term operatives, we ensure that they'll never be diskovered, but it makes reintegrating them back into Cardassian society much more difficult. Still, it's hard to argue with success. Kira: You really expect me to believe all of this? Entek: Of course not. At least, not yet. We've given you medication to reverse your memory loss, but it can take some time to become effective. Until your original memory re-emerge, I don't expect you to believe a word I say. But it still can be difficult watching someone you care about suffer. Kira: Oh, so I suppose you and I are old friends? Entek: I supervised your training. You are an undercover operative of the Obsidian Order named Iliana Ghemor. Ten years ago, you volunteered for an undercover assignment on Bajor. We kidnapped a Bajoran terrorist, gave you her memories, her appearance, and placed you back on Bajor to infiltrate the Resistance. I know, you don't believe me, but you'll remember. It will just take some time. Being here should help. Kira: This place? It's just another Cardassian prison. Entek: This is not a prison, Iliana. This is your room in the house where you were born. Your home. Kira: My home is in the Dahkur Province of Bajor. Entek: Here. This contains a personal statement you recorded before you were sent to Bajor. Watch it. It should help explain things. If you have any questions, just ask. Odo: We've interviewed all the residents in the vicinity of the Elemspur Detention Center. One of them thinks he saw Kira walking up the old Cardassian road toward the Center. Dax: When we scanned the area, we found a residual electrostatic charge. Sisko: This could be a transporter trace. You think she was beamed away? All right, I want the name of every ship that was in the area at the time of the beam out. Constable, contact your friends in the Bajoran militia. Tell them we need to see the activity logs of all the ground-based transporters in that area. That'll be all. Dax: Benjamin, those residual electrostatic charges. They could also have been left by a disrupter or a phaser set to kill. Sisko: I know. Cardassian: Look to the children. They are the future of Cardassia and they Kira: Enter. Entek: Ah. There's someone here who wants to see you. Ghemor: You took your time about it, Entek. I don't appreciate being kept waiting in my own house. Entek: As I explained, Legate, the initial debriefings can be difficult. We couldn't allow any interruptions. Ghemor: It really is you. Entek: Remember, her memory hasn't returned yet. Ghemor: I understand. Iliana, I, I wish I could tell you how much this means to me. Kira: Am I supposed to know you? Entek: Iliana, this is Legate Tekeny Ghemor. He's your father. Kira: My father? My father died on Bajor fighting the Cardassians. Ghemor: That's not true. I'm sorry. I know you don't remember me, but I've been waiting for this for so long. Please leave us. Entek: Are you sure that's wise? Ghemor: She's my daughter. She's not going to hurt me. Entek: As you wish. Ghemor: I've missed you, Iliana. Kira: Don't call me that. It's not my name and I am not your daughter. Ghemor: I should let you rest. You will remember, in time. Until then, please, consider yourself a guest in this house. Garak: Good evening, Doctor. If you're finished here, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a late snack. Bashir: Actually, all I want right now is a little sleep. Maybe tomorrow. Garak: I'm afraid this can't wait until tomorrow. I have very important news about Major Kira. Ghemor: In the left corner, above the window. Kira: What? Ghemor: The Obsidian Order's surveillance devices. That is what you're looking for, isn't it? Don't worry. They're not on. I'm a member of the Central Command. They're only activated at my request. I thought you might want some breakfast. I assumed you'd be used to Bajoran food by now, so I took the liberty of replicating some hasperat. Kira: I'm not hungry. Ghemor: You recognize that? It's the bone-carving you made for me when I was promoted to Legate. Kira: Your daughter was talented. Ghemor: Yes. She is. I always thought you should have been an artist. You have such a wonderful eye for detail. But you were determined to join the Order. You thought it was your duty to Cardassia. Personally, I think Cardassia could use a few more artists. Are you sure you won't try some hasperat? It's only good when it's warm. Kira: No, thank you. Ghemor: You're as stubborn as your mother. She could never do anything the easy way. You don't remember her either, do you? Kira: My mother was an icon painter from Dahkur Province. She died of malnutrition at the Singha Refugee Camp when I was three. Ghemor: Your mother was an inquisitor at the Central University. This is my fault. I never should have let you go on that mission. I could have prevented it. A well placed word here, a favor from a friend there. You never would've known. But you were so determined to go, so proud that you'd been chosen, that I didn't have the heart to stop you. Your mother never forgave me. Kira: You're good. Really good. The house, the food, the stories, it's all very convincing. But I don't believe a word of it. Ghemor: Iliana, I just want you to know I'm sorry. Garak: Commander, I've already told the good doctor everything I know. Sisko: I'd like to hear it again firsthand. Garak: This is pointless. Believe me, there's nothing you can do. If my friend is correct, and Major Kira is being held by the Obsidian Order, retrieving her would be impossible. Odo: Impossible for us, maybe, but not for you. Garak: I'm afraid you overestimate my abilities. Sisko: I hope not, because I intend to put your abilities to the test. The three of us are going to Cardassia. Garak: The three of us? You can't be serious. Commander, if I were allowed on Cardassia, do you really think I'd be living here? Sisko: Which brings up an interesting point. There are certain ministers in the Bajoran government who are concerned about your presence on this station. In fact, they want you removed. Right now, I see no alternative but to honor their request. Unless, of course, I can show them how you might be valuable to us. Odo: Rescuing Kira would go a long way toward improving your standing with the Bajoran government. Garak: Why should I care what the Bajoran government thinks of me? Sisko: I don't know. But it seems to me if someone were in trouble with the Cardassian Central Command, a Bajoran space station under Federation control might just be the safest place in the galaxy. Garak: Commander, this is extortion. Sisko: Yes. It is. We'll be traveling under false transit documents prepared by Starfleet Intelligence. Mister O'Brien has reconfigured the shield harmonics of the Defiant so that, on long-range sensors, it'll appear to be a Kobheerian freighter. We leave in three hours. Garak: I'll go along on your fool's errand, but I want one thing to be perfectly clear. I have no intention of sacrificing my life to save yours. If it looks like we're in danger of being captured, if there's any signs of trouble at all, you're on your own. Sisko: Mister Garak, I believe that's the first completely honest thing you've ever said to me. Garak: How perceptive of you, Commander. Entek: She doesn't remember anything? Ghemor: Not yet. Entek: That's unfortunate. It would've made things easier. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some questions. Ghemor: So soon? I thought she would be given time to regain her memory. Entek: She was given time. The desegranine injections should've worked by now. Memories usually begin to resurface after only a few hours. It's been two days. Ghemor: And what if the injections never work? Entek: Your daughter has some information that we need. I'm sure in time she'll see the wisdom of cooperating. So, if you'll excuse us. Ghemor: I'll be in the next room if you need me. Entek: Legate, your concerns are baseless. She's one of our own people. We have no reason to harm her. Ghemor: And I'll be nearby to remind you of that, in case you forget. Entek: As you wish, Legate. Entek: What were your duties as first officer of Deep Space Nine? Kira: I told you, the Federation runs the station. I wasn't even allowed into Ops. Entek: How many Starfleet personnel are stationed on Deep Space Nine? Kira: Thirty, forty thousand. Don't tell them I told you. Entek: That's enough. Iliana, don't you understand what's going on here? I'm trying to give you a chance. Even if you don't remember who I am, you are still one of my operatives. Now, I don't want to hurt you, but if you don't cooperate. Maybe there is a way to convince you to take what I say seriously. This is Entek. Send me exhibit S one-nine-eight-three I. Immediately. Cardassian: Yes, sir. Kira: Nothing you can show me will make any difference. Entek: Did you know that the Obsidian Order saves everything that comes into its possession? You never know what might prove useful. We have libraries of data transcripts, vaults of ancient artifacts, even Entek: Ah, here it is. Even cryogenic chambers containing biological subjects like this one here. Kira: That's impossible. Entek: I assure you, when it comes to the Obsidian Order, nothing is impossible. Kira: It's a fake, a clone, a hologram. For all I know, this whole place is a holosuite. Entek: Do you remember when you were on long-range reconnaissance in the Bestri Woods. You thought you saw a Cardassian soldier and opened fire on him. You hit your target, only to find out Kira: I killed a hara cat. Entek: A mother hara cat, who was nursing her young. Kira: How do you know that? I never told anyone that story. Entek: I know about it because we placed that story in your memories, Iliana. Just like we gave you every other memory you have. What we couldn't extract from the real Kira, we got from other prisoners or just invented ourselves. Ask yourself two things, Iliana. First, is there anything that I've said we've done that's beyond the capabilities of the Obsidian Order? I assume you know there isn't. Second, if you're not my operative, if you're not who I say you are, why would I be playing this game? Believe me, if I wanted to extract the information from you, I'd have it already. I don't want to do that. I care about you. You were one of my best students. Watch the recording, think about what I've said, because the Order won't wait much longer. Ghemor: I see you haven't forgotten all of your Obsidian Order training. Kira: Actually, I learned that in the Resistance. Ghemor: Next time you might want to leave a contact wire running between the wall and the access plate. You tripped a silent alarm when you separated them. Kira: I'll keep that in mind. I suppose if I walk out of here, you'll try to stop me. Ghemor: I don't have to. You wouldn't get half a kilometer without being detected by the Obsidian Order. Kira: Maybe I'm willing to take that chance. Ghemor: Iliana. Kira: Stop calling me that. I am not your daughter and I never was. I'm leaving. Ghemor: You'll never get off Cardassia. In the end, you'll just make things worse for yourself. I can only do so much to help you. Kira: If you want to help me, get me off this planet. I will never cooperate with the Order. Eventually, they're going to realize that, they'll interrogate me and I won't survive. Ghemor: I promise you that will never happen. I'll never allow the Order to harm you. No matter what you decide, I won't let them hurt you. I only ask one thing. Before you make your decision, I beg you, watch the recording Entek gave you. It's the only way you'll ever really know the truth. Kira: Begin playback. Iliana: Hello, Iliana. Welcome home. I've been asked to make these recordings for myself, for you, to help my memory recover when I get back. I go in for my surgery tomorrow. I'm going to miss Cardassia, but I know what I'm doing is right. The terrorism on Bajor has to be stopped. Father doesn't want me to go. Mother just looks unhappy all the time. I hope some day they'll understand. I want them to be proud of me. Sisko: How're the modifications to the shield harmonics holding up. Dax: So far, so good. Nobody here but us Kobheerians. Sisko: We're well into Cardassian space, so keep a close eye on that shield modulator. If it breaks down, we could be in for some unwelcome company. Odo: Commander, I just caught Garak snooping around the access corridor outside the main phaser banks. Garak: I was merely taking a stroll to stretch my legs. The quarters on this vessel are rather claustrophobic. Sisko: Confine him to his cabin for the rest of the trip, and post a guard at the door. Garak: Commander, I must protest. Sisko: You can protest all you like, I Dax: Benjamin, I'm detecting two Galor class warships headed this way. Sisko: What about the shield harmonics? Dax: Still holding. As far as their scanners are concerned, we should still look like a Kobheerian freighter. Garak: It's probably just a routine security check. Dax: They're hailing us. Sisko: Drop out of warp. I don't want to get too close to them. Is the communications holo-filter ready? Dax: I can make your comm. image look like a three thousand ton screech rhino if you want me to. Sisko: A Kobheerian Captain will do nicely, Lieutenant. Engage the overlay. Put them on screen. Benil: This is Gul Benil of the Eighth Order. Benil: Identify yourself. Kobheerian: This is the Kobheerian freighter Rak-Miunis. Sisko: I'm Captain Viterian. How can I help you? Benil: What is your destination? Sisko: Cardassia Prime. We're carrying a shipment of Kobheerian toranium intended for military use. Benil: Prepare to be boarded. Dax: They're headed toward us. If they get any closer, they might be able to identify us. Sisko: Gul Benil, our toranium is urgently needed on Cardassia. I would hate for you to have to explain why it was delayed. Benil: The toranium can wait. Maquis activity is on the rise in this sector. By order of the Central Command, all incoming ships are to be stopped and searched. Garak: Drop the holo-filter. Do it. I can get us out of this if you let me talk to them. Sisko: Please stand by. Are we within their weapons range yet? Dax: No. Sisko: Do as he says, but be prepared to get us out of here fast if it doesn't work. Garak: Gul Benil. Benil: You, you're not Kobheerians. Garak: Very observant of you. Now turn your ships around. Benil: Excuse me? Garak: This is an Alpha Red priority mission, clearance verification nine two one eight black. By the authority of the Central Command, you are ordered to turn your ships around. Erase all record of this encounter from your logs and talk of it to no one. Is that clear? Computer: Clearance code verified. Benil: My apologies. I had no idea. Garak: You were doing your duty. End transmission. Sisko: Mister Garak, I'm impressed. Garak: Oh, it was just something I overheard while hemming someone's trousers. I suggest that we get away from here as quickly as possible, in case Gul Benil should decide to show some initiative. Entek: All right. One more time, Iliana. What are the names of the Starfleet ships deployed along the Demilitarized zone? Kira: I don't know. Entek: That's not acceptable. As a Bajoran liaison officer, it's your duty to help coordinate Federation activity near Bajoran space. Now, what are the names of the ships deployed along the Demilitarized zone? Their names, Iliana. Give me their names. Ghemor: I think you've asked enough questions for today. Entek: Legate, you can't come in here. Ghemor: Do you presume to tell a member of the Central Command where he may and may not go in his own home? Entek: This is Obsidian Order business. Our autonomy Ghemor: Is a privilege granted by the Central Command and is revocable at any time. Don't you agree? Entek: Of course, Legate. Iliana, I'm afraid the next time we talk, it will have to be at the Order's facilities. Good day. Ghemor: Iliana, are you all right? Ghemor: Iliana? Kira: No. No! Ghemor: Iliana! Kira: No. Ghemor: It's all right. Everything will be all right. Ghemor: I'm a selfish old man. I can't keep you here any longer, no matter how much I want to. Entek will never rest until he's broken you. If he takes you to Order Headquarters. We must get you away from Cardassia. Kira: You'd do that for me? Why? Ghemor: You're my daughter, Iliana. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Even if it means losing you again. Ghemor: Iliana? Here. For you. Kira: It's beautiful. Ghemor: It was your mother's. I want you to have it to remember her by. Kira: I can't take this. Ghemor: There's no use arguing. I can be as stubborn as you. It runs in the family. Ari: Legate? Ghemor: Iliana this is Ari. He's a friend. He's going to help get you off Cardassia. Kira: Without the Order's knowledge? How's that possible? Ghemor: I have friends who can arrange things, friends who think the same way I do. Ari: The Obsidian Order and the Central Command have been given too much power over our lives. We're going to change that. Kira: You're a dissident? Ari: Your father is a great man. He has everything any Cardassian could want, yet he's willing to risk his life for what he believes. Ghemor: People like Ari are the heroes. My position protects me. The risk is theirs. Ari: Legate, I have to get your daughter to our next contact. Ghemor: Goodbye, Iliana. I love you. Kira: Legate, I Ari: Sir, we have to go now. Kira: Wait. This is wrong. Ghemor: Please, Ari's right. Kira: No, don't you see? The fact that you're a dissident, that you're willing to help me? Now that can't be a coincidence. Ghemor: Iliana, you have to trust me. We're trying to help you Kira: Oh, no, it's Entek I don't trust. Why did he go to so much trouble changing me into a Cardassian, sending me to you? It's not me he's after. Ghemor: What are you talking about? Kira: What if the Order suspects your involvement with the dissidents? Ghemor: Impossible. I'm too well protected. They couldn't have evidence of my activities. Kira: But they could still suspect you. And without any evidence, they wouldn't dare interrogate you, would they? Ari: Central Command would never allow it. Kira: Which is why they had to make you betray yourself. Which is why they kidnapped me, because I resemble your daughter. And they knew you would never stand by and watch me be tortured. They wanted you to do this. They wanted you to try and rescue me. Entek: Very astute, Major. You couldn't have done any better if you were one of us. Ghemor: This is Ghemor. Three to beam out. Now. Entek: It won't work. We've got a transporter suppression field over this whole area. Ari: No! Entek: You don't know how long I've waited for this day. Imagine, in one bold stroke the Obsidian Order will unmask a traitor in the Central Command and shatter the entire dissident movement. And we have you to thank for it. Ghemor: The movement will survive without me. Entek: You underestimate your importance, Legate. With your help, we'll be able to purge the government of all disloyalty. The enemies of Cardassia will be destroyed. Ghemor: The enemies of the Order, you mean. Entek: The Obsidian Order is Cardassia. Ghemor: What are you doing? Entek: I think you know. Major, your testimony would make for a more dramatic trial, but I'd be willing to dispense with it if you give us any trouble. Garak: The Major is the least of your problems, Entek. Sisko: I suggest you lower your weapons. Garak: Do as he says. Now, Entek. Odo: I'll take that. Thank you. Kira: Get over with him. Entek: Garak, what are you doing here? Garak: I got homesick. I think we'd better be going. Kira: Don't worry, he's on our side. I think. Come on. Garak: Major, I don't think I've ever seen you looking so ravishing. Sisko: Are you all right? Kira: I'm fine. How did you? Garak: Suffice it to say, I still have friends on Cardassia. You will no doubt derive years of enjoyment trying to determine exactly who they are. Sisko: Legate, we have a ship waiting. From the sound of things, I think you'd better come with us. Ghemor: Yes, I think that might be wise. Entek: Garak, I don't understand. Why are you helping these people? Ghemor is a traitor, an enemy of the Order. Garak: Treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Entek: You're making a serious mistake. Up until now, the Order was satisfied to let you live in exile, but now Kira: Come on. Odo, Garak, let's go. Garak: I'd almost forgotten what a pleasure it was to be with my fellow Cardassians. And though I'd like to stay and listen to you bluster, I simply don't have the time. Garak: A pity. I rather liked him. Ghemor: So, it was all a lie? Kira: According to Doctor Bashir, my genetic structure is entirely Bajoran. The alterations were surgical. Ghemor: What about the man who said he was with you at Elemspur? Kira: Gone. Completely disappeared. We suspect he was a Cardassian agent. He's probably the one who changed the Detention Center records in the first place. Ghemor: I thought you'd be happy. Kira: I am. It's just, I still don't understand. If Iliana really was transformed into a Bajoran, then why did Entek have me kidnapped? Why not bring Iliana back instead? Ghemor: Because the desegranine would've worked on Iliana. Her memories would've returned and she would have cooperated with Entek. But they knew that you'd resist and that I'd be forced to try to get you off of Cardassia. Kira: Do you think Iliana's still alive? Ghemor: I have to. I'm her father. For all I know, she's still on Bajor, and someday I'll find her. Kira: Are you sure you don't want to stay on the station? Ghemor: There's no place for me here. The Mathenite government has offered me political sanctuary. I'll be safe there. One more thing before I leave. Can I give you some fatherly advice, for old times sake? Kira: Of course. Ghemor: That Garak fellow who helped you, helped us. Don't trust him, Nerys. Ever. He's a dangerous man and he'd betray you and all of your friends in an instant if he thought it would help him. Kira: I'll keep my eye on him. Ghemor: I suppose it's time to go. Kira: Here. Kira: It doesn't belong to me. I can't keep it. Ghemor: No. I want you to have it. You may not be my daughter, but until I find Iliana, you're the closest thing I have to family. Kira: I want you to know something. In spite of whatever I might have said, I realize now you're an honorable man. And I think your daughter must have loved you very much.
"Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to(...TRUNCATED)
"Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?\nMonica Geller: 'Cause I was (...TRUNCATED)
"Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children are rowdy.\nMr. Gar(...TRUNCATED)

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