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human
|
As she turned her grimy, tear-streaked face toward the window, quiet sobs still shook the child's frail body, and her voice had the tone of one whose life has been a continuing chronicle of deprivation and disappointed hopes as she said plaintively, "How come we can't stop at the Seven-Eleven and get a slushy? I want a cherry slushy…"
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,996
|
human
|
When the sound of Big Ben chiming the hour of the rosy-fingered dawn struck my straining ears like a fire alarm, I threw the glockenspiel at the haberdasher and ran for the door, never looking back to see if the foul devil's spawn was giving chase through the impenetrably thick—and terribly clammy—fog that clung to me like a sodden woolen suit, slowing my flight to a crawl as interminable as this sentence.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,996
|
human
|
The disillusionment of the members of the inner-city Boys' Club with their trip to the country began when they discovered that a hoe-down wasn't what they thought it would be.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,996
|
human
|
Following the unfortunate bucking of his horse when it was startled by the posse's shots, Tex—who now lay in a disheveled heap in the sagebrush—pushed back his sweat-stained Stetson from one deep-set blue eye, spat a stream of tobacco juice at the nearest cactus, and reflected momentarily that the men approaching him with ropes probably weren't just out for a skip, and—if they were—his freshly broken ankle would have to cause him to decline any entreaties to join them.
|
Western
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Baron Frankenstein looked up from his sewing, smiled benignly across the laboratory at his similarly-engaged creation and protege, and called, "Yes, yes! Put on a happy face; tonight will be your first date with the rest of your wife!"
|
Vile Puns
|
Runner Up
| 1,996
|
human
|
Because the Indians of the high Andes were believed to have little sense of humor, Professor Juan Lyner was amazed to hear this knee-slapper that apparently had been around for centuries at all the Inca hot spots: "Llama ask you this. Guanaco on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."
|
Vile Puns
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Tess was a fallen angel with a heart as big and as golden as all outdoors; a heart as big as all outdoors and all indoors; a heart as big as a solarium, which is a room that is like outdoors but indoors; unlike one of those bump-out kitchen greenhouse windows, which is neither.
|
Purple Prose
|
Runner Up
| 1,996
|
human
|
It was a hot as a jalapeno outside, the smog hung in the air like bits of pepper on three-day-old cottage cheese, and the Condiment Police, after extricating themselves from one pickle after another, were running late in their effort to ketchup with a bad egg named Sal Sodium who was armed to the teeth and who was stalking a gorgeous tomato for the twenty-four carrots on her finger, so they slipped into their flack jackets with relish before moving in on a salt with a deadly weapon.
|
Crime & Detective
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
From the dilapidated porch, Hoover "Hoo-Boy" Hogwattle squinted at the ducks scattered across the oily surface of the pond like the blackheads across Cousin Joe-Bob's nose, and, spitting tobacco juice and scratching incessantly, wished that Maw had remembered to use that new downy-fresh fabric softener on the pink lace bra and panties he was wearing under his grimy overalls.
|
Rural Realism
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Nigel lifted his Mont Blanc pen and held it in brief repose as he gazed past the conflagrative crackling in the hearth, through the triple-plate bay window, watching the incandescence of the twinkling stars like the detonation of a million flashbulbs, and the preponderance of frothy snowflakes blanketing the earth as creamily as marshmallow fluff, then, refreshed and inspired, he began to compose his annual Christmas form letter.
|
Purple Prose
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
The flash of lightning startled her, making her breasts heave, and in that instant of white light she thought of how M____, her young lover from the estate's cheese works, had so marveled at the creamy globes so delicately laced with blue veins that he had called the one Bleu and the other Stilton, and she reflected that she would never hear those sweet words again—at least not in that context, for come tomorrow she would be Lady Vile-Conundrum.
|
Romance
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Buffy Goldsmith, emptying the last three rounds from the smoking Parabellum nine-millimeter at the pursuing KGB operatives, reached into her Kevlar standard-issue Model PK-38D brassiere for the disk of winning lottery numbers with the intention of flinging it into the murky waters of the Seine, only to remember she had left it under Uncle Arthur's yarmulke at the kibbutz.
|
Adventure
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Ulysses Simpson Grant, having just finished a meal of Virginia ham, stretched out in his underwear of Mississippi-grown cotton, puffed on a Georgia cigar, swilled straight Kentucky bourbon whiskey, and thought how good it was to be in the Union Army.
|
Historical Fiction
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
Ace, watch your head! hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn't you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.
|
Grand Prize
| null | 1,996
|
human
|
The city at night has a million stories, like the woman who, even now, was weeping over the bloody corpse of her lover lying where she had slashed him from neck to kneecap, or the twelve-year-old kid prostrate on the sidewalk after a drug deal gone wrong, or the babe, desperate to find the stuff that stopped your dress from sticking to your legs after you ironed it and couldn't find a convenience store at this black hour in a city without a name.
|
Urban Realism
|
Winner
| 1,996
|
human
|
The bizarre heat in the bazaar, aided further by the constantly sweating, swearing, and swirling middle class population, or should we say the servile class, prompted the sudden swooning of the 'foreign returned' Radha, who was immediately scooped up in the arms of the ever-willing Sudama, jumping at this God-sent opportunity, while the surrounding loudspeakers blared the contemporary superhit film song, "Aa jaa, meri bahon mein aa jaa!"
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Not long ago I came into possession of a certain Malaysian lizard and by sheer good luck it accidentally walked through some wet paint and then across a sheet of paper and made such a mess that an art expert said it was "Neo-reptilian," so now I plan to move to Spain where it will be a cinch to con the artsy types with this fly-eating Van Gogh who is being called (I'm not making this up) "El Gecko."
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Holy mackerel, we cod advertise Eddie Fisher to reel in suckers, then if we're accused of bait-and-switch tactics and face a herring our squid pro quo lawyer could clam the embarracudasing incident was a fluke, nothing to carp about—though we'd be eel-advised to take a wade-and-sea attitude or angle for a mistrout, bubbled Salmon Rushdie, sardine 'cause he shad have knocked off the crappy puns a minnow earlier, giving scallop's honor he didn't do it on porpoise and to enshark us it won't harpoon again.
|
Vile Puns
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
As the monstrous thug's forearm was about to crash down on his noggin for yet another time, Brinzinger realized that his worst fear had come true: this was indeed an encounter with a member of that mercilessly mayhem-minded Swiss motorcycle gang, based in the capital of Switzerland and also in a city in southwestern France, whose dread signature tattoo, which Brinzinger was able to make out just before he lost consciousness, read "Bern-Toulouse."
|
Vile Puns
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
The waning moon looked like a giant yogurt-covered raisin that someone had sucked on for two or maybe three minutes.
|
Purple Prose
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
As she slipped into her bicycle shorts and regarded her bum in the mirror, Princess Diana reflected on her years with Prince Charles, their period of separation and, ultimately, the Final Divorce Decree, and, with a sigh of resignation, said to herself, "Well, I may have lost the 'Royal Highness' but at least I saved the 'Wales'."
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Thinking that she was plain vanilla and this would be a piece of cake, I turned on the heat while I buttered her up with sugary words and floury phrases, but I soon realized that it was a half-baked idea when her nuts-to-you attitude told me that even though she turned out to be a quite a dish, we didn't have all the ingredients necessary to make this relationship anything more than pie in the sky.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Tribes of primitive hunters, with rhinestone codpieces rampant, built pyramids of Chevy engines—festooned in palm fronds and coconuts—to exalt the ineffable and scintillating gods of low-tech—as was their fashion—including an ode to holy refrigerator, Sears be its brand.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Kevin blinked away the coruscating moisture on his eyelashes as he gazed upon his contagiously narcoleptic lover, who peacefully dreamt under the foehn that caressed their secluded bed of grass until awakened by Kevin's sultry whisper, "There is no apothecary for miles, but to cheer you, I have fashioned this diadem of daisies in the traditional Bacon family weave."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
So what should we pierce next? Charity purred, holding up the piercing gun and leaning over him, her pouty cupid's bow mouth painted a lurid screaming red, her black-rimmed eyes vacant yet kinetic, her tattered and now blood-stained black mesh half-shirt falling off her shoulder to reveal one pert, supple young breast; and Kevin knew fear, but could not let her see it, for he was as enticed as he was terrified by this wild, raven-haired teenager, and so, with a shrug and a smirk that said, "I know you're taking me on a fast, Bohemian joyride to Hell and I like it!" replied, "There's still some room left on my butt."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
The sun beat down, causing the stench of elephant sweat to drift into Hannibal's nostrils as Tunisian gusts hurled sand into his food, making the foul-smelling hummus gruel twist his stomach, so in disgust he clutched his buddy, nearly retching out, "You know, Hanno, I could really go for Italian."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Brother Paul had spent twenty years in his primitive cell correcting thousands of religious texts until he suddenly realized that not only was he anti-semantic but that he had become a religious phonetic.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Holy dessicated cat turds, Batman, these aren't Tootsie Rolls—we're in Catwoman's litter box!
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
As Jennifer sucked her co-worker's brains out through a spiral "Happy Meal" (TM) straw, she reflected on how much her career advancement opportunities at the restaurant had improved since she became a Zombie.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
She was in her element, tabletop with a St. Pauli Girl balanced on her forehead, arms flailing and squawking like a gut-hooked catfish to Abba's "Dancing Queen," but Prestin Purvis, principal, peevishly pursed his lips, watching the to-be school secretary he hired that very day from the shallow shadows of the Shady Shack.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Cat-on-a-Stick, with its enabling philosophy that anyone can perform taxidermy on the remains of a beloved family pet if you're not too fussy about the final results, soon gained a reputation as a place where you walked out with a smile on your face, even if you had come in with disaster writ large all over your puss.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
It was a beautiful, beautiful night, stars shining like the bright, needy eyes of a million malnourished children, the wind blowing softly like the breath of a favorite grandfather as he kissed you sweetly and very affectionately yet somewhat inappropriately, goodnight.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Leaning close to the UNICEF worker, Mother Theresa drunkenly confided, "For God's sake, if there's anything I've learned after all these years in all these stinky little countries, it's DON'T FEED THE POOR, 'cause once you do they just keep coming back and coming back, driving you crackers whining at your door all night."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Day broke like an enormous egg cracking over the rim of the great, jagged-edged bowl of the Grand Canyon, its bright yellow yolk of sunshine pouring runnily into every crag and crevice, suffusing the early morning air with the same ocherous brilliance as it had for millennia while the mighty Colorado River cuts its way to the stratum of the present valley floor.
|
Purple Prose
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
When I was a green as a baby's pooh, and as inclined to run everywhere, I learned that, unless you attain solid consistency, you're liable to get wiped away by the rough hand of society wielding a wad of tissue-thin rationalizations, and flushed down the s-bend of life.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
He wasn't the brightest guy around: he drank only a diet cola-like soda, ate nothing but red, shiny fruit, and bawled constantly; he was, after all, the moron Tab and apple crier.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
It's a mystery wrapped up in a riddle embedded in an enema, thought Dr. Calvin McNurph as he headed back to the proctologist's convention, hoping to get to the bottom of the problem at once and rectify the situation.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Torn between scheduling the basketball star or the famous chef, the network executive finally chose to spare the Rodman and spoil Julia Child.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
They didn't teach about this at Harvard Law School, muttered Clement as he writhed on the living room floor—after another day of dodging bullets and tax laws with shadowy clients in between trysts with secretaries from rival law firms who smuggled in strategy papers for upcoming trials in intimate clothing articles before revealing that they had also smuggled in lady's-size handguns to order him to hand over his own strategy papers before he got a chance to look at theirs—and wondered if he would ever learn how to set the timer on the VCR.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
It was the last of times, it was the first of times, it was the age of intelligence, it was the age of the intellectually challenged, it was the epoch of reality, it was the epoch of insanity, it was the season of Salt, it was the season of Pepper, it was the spring of health, it was the winter of the flu, it was a period when a bunch of really opposite things were being compared.
|
Purple Prose
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
The crimson crushed-velvet dress—with the contrasting gold-piping, dainty hint of lace caressing sleeves' end, and scandalous neckline which plunged dramatically to just above the sterling belt buckle exposing yards of flesh—was tailored to cling seductively to every contour of the wearer's body, and Captain Kirk looked ridiculous in it.
|
Science Fiction
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Bjorn Petersen, the big Swede, swaggered into the private detective's office, shouting and swinging his fists, obviously bruising for a fight, so Sam Shovel stood up, neatly fooled him with a quick right feint while flooring him with a left hook, then thought to himself, "There's a Bjorn suckered every minute!"
|
Crime & Detective
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life.
|
Grand Prize
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
It all started when that rich SOB John Paul Getty commissioned me to create the world's largest ice sculpture, not that I didn't realize the challenges involved, but it wasn't until months later when the iceberg, carved into the shape of a mammoth voluptuous nude, hove into view off Newfoundland that the uproar started, and even later, after the interviews in People Magazine and my appearance on Oprah, that I was forced to concede defeat and hire the Knitter's League, who were still crocheting away as my rapidly melting masterpiece was towed into New York harbor, the six hundred and sixty-six knitters still desperately looping lengths of videotape, linkin' Getty's berg a dress.
|
Runner Up
| null | 1,997
|
human
|
Prince Oryza's determined, handsome countenance was reflected in the gleaming, polished steel of his sword, Gowayoff, as he hewed valiantly at the armored sides of the dragon, which could only be pierced by gleaming, polished steel and not the regular kind of steel, which doesn't gleam as much, and isn't polished quite as well, but does a pretty good job against your smaller dragons.
|
Fantasy
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
No one in Cisco City dared to question Jake Lattimer about the disappearance of neighbor Jones's hogs, not only because Jake was the best sheriff the town had ever seen, but also because his was the only dental parlor in the territory where a man could buy himself a decent set of slightly-used false teeth.
|
Western
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
Once upon a time, before men were boys, before guns were toys, and before music was noise, there was a dude ranch peopled by only the most virile of males, except for Mama, who had, of course, clasped each of them to her ample bosoms, and therein lies our story.
|
Western
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
He stood looking at her, seductively naked except for bra and a pair of pants, the smile on her face come-hitherish and inviting, but all he could think was, "Why are they called a pair of pants, much better English if it were a pair of bras and a pant?"
|
Romance
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
This is the end, Alfalfa sobbed, clutching at her heaving bosom and pausing only occasionally to scratch her itching left armpit while her sapphire eyes, brimming with salty tears, turned helplessly towards the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring.
|
Purple Prose
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
The breeze was as cool and biting as a Roger Whitaker hit song, whistling through the remaining shreds of her dress as easily as a prune passes through a colon, when Tony stepped up and solicitously put his jacket around her shoulders, saying "Here, let me break the wind for you."
|
Romance
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
The love of her life, Cordelle Horstmussen, wasn't much to look at (he had sunken, bloodshot eyes that were unevenly spaced, differed in color, and—thank God—drew attention from his elfin ears and doubly cleft chin, and his complexion was sallow and dotted with pimply blackheads, so that it resembled month-old cottage cheese in the throes of a fungal blitzkrieg, and he walked with an uneven, duckfooted, and halting gait, like Charlie Chaplin with a case of bleeding piles), but he made her laugh, and now that she realized why, she planned to dump him like a truckload of chicken entrails.
|
Romance
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Veronica had had little experience of treachery when she first arrived in Paris, so when Jean-Luc left her in the Rive Gauche with only a Bic and a bock and a broken clock she was somewhat surprised.
|
Romance
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
Captain Richard Probe stood toe-to-claw with the female alien on the bridge of his star ship as she aimed her laser gun at his navel, knowing full well as his eye-level gaze surveyed her three breasts, that in order to save his crew he needed to overcome the stirrings of his manhood, which was soon made easier by the realization that indeed his pants were only getting tighter because her laser was shrink wrapping his uniform.
|
Science Fiction
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
Ah swearta God! moaned Melody-Sue from the depths of her misery, staring glumly past that quivering, pulsating bulb of a belly, while her overstretched womb delivered an apparently endless stream of salamanderkins (sixty-seven? eighty-five? she had lost count) onto the growing heap of squirming sluglets between her outstretched knees, "if evah agayn let a Venusian Toad-Boy sweet-talk me inta lettin' him fraisshen mah drink with sqrzzl-root juice, New Year's party or no, ah oughta have mah haid examined!"
|
Science Fiction
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
It was with no small degree of trepidation that Mapping Sciences teacher Geo. G. Raphy peered pensively at the seventh-graders (who were working feverishly on their in-class assignment of drawing their favorite English isle) and rued his rashly made but fateful decision to allow the two impish Chinese twins to complete the assignment together—for he knew, deep within his soul, the brilliant brothers would seize this opportunity to prove that, at least on some occasions, two Wongs can make a Wight.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
It was, presumably, Dr. Livingstone who emerged into the clearing from the dense rain forest beyond, although it was difficult to tell for certain just WHO it was beneath the layers of leeches clinging to his limbs, the spiders covering the surface of his sun helmet, the bounty of bugs on his body, and the multitude of mites crawling on everything from his Mont Blanc pen to his machete though, as he had recently employed the latter in hacking his way through the jungle while he had long abandoned his diary, the pen was somewhat mitier than the sword.
|
Adventure
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
Howard lay benumbed in the shallow crevice where he had collapsed, encrusted with ice from the freezing rain, exhausted from trudging through snow drifts, and frozen by the relentless winds of the freak later-winter storm; and glancing down he noticed the diving watch his wife had given him on their trip to Jamaica, which now seemed a remote memory from another lifetime, but, as he finally succumbed to hypothermia, he was extremely distressed to notice that the watch's crenate bezel had abraded the cuff of his shirt to the point where it would, indubitably, have to be discarded.
|
Adventure
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
With the last rays of sunshine silhouetting her slim form, and the still smoking pistol clutched in her trembling right hand, Cora knelt beside the body at her feet, only to be brought up short by the sudden awareness of that unmistakable creeping-insect-like feeling of a run ripping up the back of her left stocking.
|
Crime & Detective
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
As Lt. James "Jocko" Flannery methodically surveyed the freshly sketched chalk outline on the oily pavement with his steel-blue eyes, his mind wandered to that night's poker game—jeez, he had forgotten to pick up the Macanudos—because that's what happens when you fight your way up from street cop to Chief of Homicide in the City with Big Shoulders: you stop being angry; you've seen too many cheap hits, too many gutless punks, and too many brazen calling cards like the one over there—a wad of peppermint chewing gum clinging to the gutter that told him everything he needed to know—that little blond brat from around the corner had maliciously scribbled this pink hopscotch thing on his newly sealed driveway.
|
Crime & Detective
|
Runner Up
| 1,997
|
human
|
He was the best prepared cop in the precinct, never leaving without a hundred-dollar bill in his shoe, an extra magazine for his .45 in his back pocket, a condom in his wallet—he was ready for anything; he was Lieutenant Justin Case.
|
Crime & Detective
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
The cells divided at an alarming rate as Dr. Bob gasped in amazement and told his lovely blond but intelligent assistant, "Eureka! this is really neat, a baby monster is now growing in our hi-tech, whiz-bang laboratory—I wonder if our hi-tech, whiz-bang containment field will contain this new, monstrous really ugly, man-eating being so it can't get out and destroy the world when it gets real big."
|
Science Fiction
|
Winner
| 1,997
|
human
|
Try as he might, the coroner was unable to find the cause of death, so he called in the word famous Los Angeles psychic Madam DuBois, who determined that Julie Andrews had been killed by a precisely administered dose of lethally bad breath, so the next morning's newspaper headlines trumpeted, "Super California Mystic: Expert Halitosis."
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,997
|
human
|
Myopic, gawky Herbert took up the martial arts to hone his balance, dexterity, concentration, and coordination; the inner calm promised by serene-yet-deadly Sensei Yawara; and immerse himself in the Asian culture that had so mystified the high school sophomore ever since his fourth-grade field trip paused briefly in Chinatown, but mostly to be able to hang out with the school bullies and beat up other students.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
One cold autumn morning when Elinor, Queen of the amphibians, arrived at the fork in the road and saw that one of her subjects waas busily clearing leaves on the right path, while another stood idly on the left, she said to her consort, "This really frosts me, Robert; the toad's not raking!"
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Have a nice day, called Nadine to her engineer husband, who wondered if she meant the remaining hours of daylight, a solar day (measured with respect to the Sun) or a sidereal day (measured with respect to the celestial sphere), "I know I will," continued Nadine sotto voce, whose day (however defined) would be nice because of Raoul, the tennis pro at the country club.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Astronomer Lyman A. Fraunhofer reflected upon the forbidden lines of poetry as he vainly tried to gauge the magnitude of his wife's infidelity with Roy G. Biv, the young graduate assistant (with whom she shared a Milky Way, even now, under the big telescope), yet fully ignored his own weak interactions that had forced Andromeda to search for naked singularities until she became smitten with Biv's work on the Big Bang.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Back at the badger ranch, Betsy had gone completely nuts; flinging down the gauntlet of desperation (made from a very high-quality badger hide), she vowed she would wait no longer and in a twinkling her bags were packed, her house sold, and, armed with her cat, her cajones and her capital gains, she left the provincial desolation of Minot and tremblingly catapulted her life into the hot lights and fleshpots of Fargo, City on the Edge.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.
|
Grand Prize
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Yes, Jarvik had torn Colette's heart in two, but only after cracking her heaving, alabaster sternum with the spreader of his infidelity, and piercing the pericardium of her trust with his pernicious falsity, which he then poised like the rusty, serrated Scalpel of Damocles over the ascending branch of the aorta of her desire, threatening to sunder her intercardial septum of hope, like so much myocardial butter.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Across the moon-swept lawn Daphne fled his baleful stare from the Conservatory window, her silken gown flowing behind her but catching on the sumac sprouts and rabbit berry, the rose of Sharon and wintercreeper, the milkwort and forsythia, the furze and genista, the tamarisk and jute, the sisal, sand myrtle and yellowroot until its lacy tatters gloried in the soft wind and she realized she was naked and cold near the hothouse. (from "Return To Magnolia Manor")
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
He was more than an Israeli thief of the streets, more than the first flautist in the Jerusalem Philharmonic Orchestra, more than the illegitimate child of a Spanish nun; Jose had led a checkered life that included wrestling and farm work on the kibbutz, a career that truly made him a Haifa-lootin', flutin'-tootin', son of a nun from Barcelona, tag-team plowboy Joe.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
As the robber looked away, the pharmacist pulled out a .38 revolver, and shouted "Take this three times a day!", firing three rapid shots into the upper left quadrant of the robber's chest, the bullets flying out of the gun like large, ill-fitting, improperly inserted suppositories.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Scribner scratched himself again, took a drag on his drooping Old Gold, coughed, popped the top on his last Fallstaff, turned back to his ancient typewriter, and smiled to himself as he thought back to the day when his mother had warned him that he had no future writing Children's books.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
A shrill scream pierced the black night, and I clutched my Tickle-Me Elmo doll close to my heaving bosom; it was the blood-curdling shriek of the wajorcka lop - a vicious, exotic animal that is the cross of a mallard duck and a cat, that is, if you can keep the cat from eating the duck.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
I opened my Windows 95 users manual and fell into a magical world.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Cletus was utterly innocent of six of the seven deadly sins, mostly because committing them was just too much effort.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
The criminals out there are killing us - it's time to fight back roared the excited leader at the midnight meeting of the Sink Drain Chapter of the Neighbourhood Watch, "and since they have begun this latest campaign of terror of using chemical weapons on our webs and eggs, we will retaliate by attacking their weakest, their most vulnerable - let us away to the cradle, where we will repeatedly make little tickling motions with our feet in the warm filament-lined aural orifices of the humans' pink, bald, squealing larva."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Hemlock wasn't all that bad, Socrates decided philosophically: no aftertaste, a smooth finish, and (of course) no hangover in the morning.
|
Historical Fiction
|
Winner
| 1,998
|
human
|
Dr. Charles Monroe wasn't the kind of guy who took it lying down, because many years ago a Special Branch trainee bounced one time too many on his impeccably groomed abdominal muscles and caused seven discs to dislocate, the way a stack of CDs might dislocate if they were tied together by string and then the middle ones were pushed out by a lateral force.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
The delivery boy felt as though a thousand eyes were upon him after taking a tumble down the courtyard stairs, but it was probably only thirty or so, because that's how many he was delivering to the biology lab for dissection; it just felt like more.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Herb suffered two maladies that tormented and infuriated him: profound memory lapses, and something else.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Johnny Baggadonuts knew the game was getting stale; he was pretty sure Jimmy Dareallibadone, the cruelest guy in the "family", knew what he was up to, and whatever Jimmy knew, the Boss was sure to find out — yet Johnny knew he couldn't crumble, because if they dunked him he'd have broken his promise to the beautiful if slightly underage Turkish prostitute Alhava Anna, (whom everyone called "Muffin") and who wanted nothing more than to be his wife, to finally be Alhava "Muffin" Anna Baggadonuts: the name positively tripped off his tongue, then accidentally lit a fire in his loins.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Cocking her pretty head coquettishly on one side, Miss Florence Nightingale smiled, delicately stroked her latest lover's arising aspirations, and to his scandalously indecent proposal returned the only possible reply, "Cuckoo, jug-jug, pu-wee, too-witta-woo!"
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Walking back to the hotel in the rain, Ernest Hemingway ducked into the Louvre as the downpour intensified, but the beauty of its masterpieces did not move him, for the was thinking about his almost-finished novel, the one about his stint as an ambulance driver on the Italian/Austrian front, of his wounding and recuperation, about his romance with a British nurse that ended catastrophically, and then, standing before the exquisite statue of Venus de Milo, the title he would give his opus occured to him.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
What the bloody hell, I thought, puzzled, as the car lifted right up off the Interstate and sailed toward the Big Dipper (or the Little Dipper, who could think straight?), me at the wheel of course , while Jill slept in the back seat, oblivious, veins thrumming with Tequila, dreaming, no doubt, about Jack (tumbling, tumbling, all that shit) and missing the whole thing as usual while I, good old codependent that I am, had to cope.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
No, no…a thousand times no, she moaned breathlessly, the milky white mounds of her chest heaving as nimble hands quickly did their work, and then she started counting the "yes" votes for the new sewer system proposal.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Something is rotten in Denmark, thought Richard, the third time he peered over his copy of the Globe to witness the Two Gentlemen from Verona as they Leared Shrewishly at the young Desdemona, reminding him of that Dreamy Midsummer's night years ago, when, in a Tempest he had journeyed to that little Hamlet in upstate New York where the lawns were green, the picket fences white, and nobody's windows were Bard.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
His mind frapped by their final conversation, Master Chef Ralph tried valiantly to deglaze the pan of his brain, reduce the scalding liquid of his affair with Tiffany Creme-Kaake to approximately one-third its original volume (or, better yet, boil it away entirely), strain and discard the lumpy bits, and whisk the memories into a smooth, velvety hollandaise, but it was no use; his heart had been brutally shrink-wrapped and reduced to a hard rubbery mass by the microwave of her indifference.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
It was doubly fortunate that Stanley "Gorilla" Gutowski, the state weight lifting champion, was present to give his nephew the Heimlich maneuver & that his hands were small enough to push the boy's stomach back down his throat.
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Bafld the Barbarian was sore perplexed when he grasped his magical blade and it spoke to him, saying thus, "I see thou art perplexed…I'm Sword of Bafled myself."
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,998
|
human
|
Cats bury their droppings with all the decorum of a state funeral, and dogs revisit theirs with the fervour of a connoisseur, but cattle hardly seem to commit to the whole process, wandering off with a truly bovine indifference while the last soft plop is still echoing through the pasture, and it was this last which inspired Angela's choice of vocabulary when Kevin opened his mouth and let fall the words, "I love you."
|
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
Bill hadn't laughed this much since that day he executed a quick prank for his co-workers, a precise pratfall that amused him even while be concocted it, making him laugh so hard that tears came to his eyes, a fierce laugh that he had to let loose yet again, just as he had during the thinking of the tight antic.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,998
|
human
|
The international team of astronauts each had a salutary comment as they paused before entering the troubled Mir spacestation: The German, upon seeing the Russian tethered in his capsule, said, "Bei Mir bist du chained"; the American, who had recently reviewed his collection of Disney cartoons, spoke, "Mir, mir off the wall, who will fix it, proud and tall"; but the Israeli astronaut just shook his head and, as he entered, could be heard muttering, "Oy vey is Mir!"
|
Runner Up
| null | 1,998
|
human
|
It was a majestic weapon, a masterpiece of form and function, hand-crafted by master gunsmiths, accurate to a hundred yards, its bright silver body and long barrel glistening in the sunlight, the hand-carved ivory inlay warm against the palm, and mom got a good dollar for it after my brother was shot in the back.
|
Western
|
Winner
| 1,998
|
human
|
My heart skipped a beat as the bearded walrus gently nudged me in the small of my back with one smooth, curved tusk, expelling a warm breath of air into my upturned face, its smell of peanuts reminding me of that precious night on Coney Island; the night when I became a woman…a woman and a convict.
|
Romance
|
Winner
| 1,998
|
human
|
Her toes tingled when she saw himó-mostly the two outer toes, the little ones, whose nails had been ripped off by a lawnmower when she was three-óand although it might have been the medicated fungal spray she used for her athlete's foot that caused the sensuous shiver in her digits, she thought it was probably him.
|
Romance
|
Runner Up
| 1,998
|
human
|
Rita and Michael's passionate lovemaking was brought to an abrupt end by an unfortunate emission of gas ó which prompted Rita to wonder, with more than a little irritation, why playing around with that stupid mask was such a turn-on for her dentist fiancee.
|
Romance
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,998
|
human
|
Having been a total failure at Feng Shui, the ancient Oriental art of arranging furniture to influence luck, health, and fortune, Sum Dum-Foo nevertheless became proficient in Beng Shinn, the ancient universal art of locating furniture in the dark.
|
Vile Puns
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,998
|
human
|
You will make an excellent meal for my slavering minions, Earthwoman, gurgled Xardon The Conqueror as he slithered across the floor, propelled by his scaled tentacles, while his quivering eye stalks ogled the cowering form of his forlorn captive, "because you have a high protein content, lots of complex carbohydrates, the full B-vitamin series, and a really nice set of ta-ta's!"
|
Science Fiction
|
Runner Up
| 1,998
|
human
|
Like an armadillo making love to a toaster, "The Emperor" shook violently upon its launching pad before, after one last frenzied assault, rising from a thick cloud of smoke and sailing into the atmosphere that wrapped the planet like a thick Amish quilt handstitched by loving hands while the menfolk labored in the hay fields.
|
Science Fiction
|
Dishonorable Mentions
| 1,998
|
End of preview. Expand
in Data Studio
Bulwer-Lytton sentences
This repository contains all data studied in "Dark & Stormy: Modeling Humor in the Worst Sentences Ever Written", a research paper that investigates how intentionally bad textual humor differs from standard humor datasets.
Bulwer-Lytton.tsv contains all entries highlighted on the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) website's archive between 1996 and 2024. It has 4 columns: type (set to 'human' for the entries from BLFC), year, sentence, category (or genre, as listed on the website) and position (winner, runner-up, dishonorable mention).
Synthetic sentences are included in the same dataframe with type set to the model name, and category as the genre listed in the one-shot prompt used to generate the sentences. You can view the prompt, as well as all code used for analyses in our paper, on GitHub.
List of changes from sentences on BLFC website
Sentences in the dataset are copied directly from the BLFC archive, except for the following changes:
- All single and double quotes were converted to straight single and double quotes.
- All 3 dot ellipses were converted to the ellipsis unicode character … (codepoint: U+2026)
- In 2017, the sentence "As he lay dying on the smoke-wreathed battlefield..." was listed under both Adventure and Historical Fiction. We listed the category as only Adventure.
Note: When loading Bulwer-Lytton.tsv with pandas, set the quoting parameter to csv.QUOTE_NONE. This ensures that python loads the text as is without inserting any quote characters that weren't present initially in the original sentence.
import pandas
import csv
df = pd.read_csv('Bulwer-Lytton.tsv', sep='\t', quoting=csv.QUOTE_NONE)
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